Uber Idiot

…McDink as we called him should have been one of those guys who went to Trade School. Somehow he managed to avoid it.  He was, in the vernacular of elementary juveniles, a real dink: rude, obnoxious, a braggart, bull shitter type of guy.  A bully as well, and none too smart about it.  In later years he hand painted his beater of a car a flat black – with oil based paint using a roller and a brush. He thought it was soo cool. He said he wanted his ride to reflect his personality – dark.  Yes dark and stupid.  Stupid, just like old Willie McGillivray who sawed off the top of his 56 Ford because he always wanted to have and to drive a convertible, to impress the ladies as he said.  Unbeknownst to Willie, by cutting off the top half of his car, which was designed as a sedan, he mistakenly undermined the integrity of the upper frame and it collapsed in on itself. The other unintended consequence for Willie were those dark and stormy days and nights in the late summer months where a torrent of rain would come down hard on his unprotected ride flooding through the floorboards, water cascading outward as he drove down the boulevard.  Willie did not have a garage at his house.  At least Willie was a good guy, if somewhat of a simpleton, with a simple mind.   He was a bit older than the rest of us as he also repeatedly repeated some of the lower grades in school. Willie was another lad who ended up in Trade School.  We all liked Willie and had a good laugh at his expense with his automotive skill and innovation.  We hated McDink.

McDink was not at all like Willie. Yes, he was also a simpleton like Willie with a simple mind but was too dumb and simple to realize just what a dink he was. He bullied the younger kids, hit them for no reason whatsoever and tried to impress the older lads and gals with his tales of bravado and misdirected hubris.  He was an uber idiot.

McDink, like all of us, played hockey. He wasn’t that bad but for his bravado and exaggerations, he was useless. He was also super critical of your play if he thought it wasn’t up to par or up to his standards.  In that way he was delusional about his own ability yet relentless in his criticisms of others, especially those lads that he knew he could bully almost to the point of tears.   He did have a way with words but not in a good way. It was in one of those one sided discussions that he had with some of us lads that got him into a position that he couldn’t back out of.

“You useless piece of shit” he cursed at our goalie as our team left the ice for the dressing room after another humiliating defeat against the team with the leviathan who masqueraded as a hockey player. The final score: 22-1!

“You couldn’t stop squat” McDink continued, pestering our goaltender. “My sister has bigger balls than you will ever have”

“I can believe that.” I heard someone say. “Have you seen his sister?”

Laughter all round. McDink wasn’t laughing. His tirade went on.

“You looked and acted like the scrawny weasel you really are out there, you piece of crap”

The goalie was ticked.

“Cut it out” I heard someone say. “You couldn’t do any better against that team…against that player.”

“I didn’t see you try to stop him when you were out there” another quipped.

“Him,” McDink announced. “I’m not afraid of that poor excuse of a hockey player.” He is an uncoordinated luddite. He can hardly skate; his shot sucks and his brains are in his ass. I’d be more afraid of a whiffle ball than that slap shot of his. I could stop anything that he could throw, shoot at me.”

Our coach heard everything and he came out rather suddenly.

“Bruce (McDink). You’ll be in goal next game.”

“No problem coach. Looking forward to it.”  Bruce seemed to proffer hesitantly.

“By the way.” Our coach added. “We have a make up game to play so we’ll be playing the Royals here again next week…”