Call of Nature Redux

From the obviousness file

Rapper, er sorry, Clapper denounces Trump’s Arizona speech as scary. No it’s scary having a name like that.

Crapper made his obvious comments on CNN, which will be covered by the Washington Post and New York Times, all known supporters of Trump! Crapper got really excited by Trump’s racist comments “about the need for unity and inclusion.” Yup, downright scary. No this is scary:

Image result for antifa riots“What a riot man!” Antifa coming to a neighbourhood near you.

Or this from last fall:

The Left’s Sunday picnic at Berkeley. It was a BYOB, “Bring Your Own Bombs” affair. Hell of a party. The bar was kept pretty busy. “Everyone wants a Molotov Cocktail these days.” A volunteer worker was heard to say.  “I ran out of olives pretty quickly and at an event like this Black Olives really do matter.”

When kids are left alone with dad! Love it! (c/o twitter / facebook)

Slide 16 of 30: When a love of motorcycles is passed from father to son.

Success of future MARS mission dependant upon astronauts urine and CO2 emissions. I thought CO2 was poison man. Say what? And shit for fertilizer! They are going to call the first MARS expedition “The Call of Nature.”

Beach goers in a state of fearful frenzy as shark devours a seal. “Where is PETA when you need them?” One vegan on the beach was heard to say. “Gawd this can’t be right.” In response another was heard to say that “this is nothing but the call of nature.”

Cannabis not really effective against pain and PTSD, new study shows. They tried to treat patients suffering from chronic pain and PTSD with cannabis but couldn’t wake them up to determine efficacy. “Well, if you want to sleep all day then I guess it is okay for that,” a prominent researcher, Dr. Walter White, who wanted to remain anonymous, stated.

An Asian ESPN Sports announcer by the name of Robert Lee pulled from doing the play by play at a UVA football game. On another note an Asian entrepreneur who owns a string of Chinese restaurants was forced to change the name. “Holy Chow” was considered too religious for some patrons to stomach. He changed the name to “Holy Cow.” It is expected that PETA may have something to say about this new branding scheme. Meanwhile sales of his food chain skyrocketing in India.

CNN calls Trump demented, sexist, racist, a Nazi – “is there anything else in the lexicon that we can use?” Wolf was heard to say. I’ll let their own words speak for itself.

Trump sending troops to Afghanistan. New mission and aim. Destroy ISIS and terrorists. Kill them! No more pussy footing around. A prominent Canadian who wants to remain anonymous, wearing his new black and white socks, became outraged when he heard this new directive coming from the White House.

Some of my latest least favourites:

Least favourite colour……………………… Green
Least favourite word………………………… Transparency
Least favourite food…………………………..Tofu
Least favourite song…………………………..Imagine.
Least favourite team…………………………. Leafs
Least favourite French expression…………..Je suis (insert whatever here)

That’s about it for today

Song of the day. Yup, Badfinger again.





Dear Davos

In keeping With Justin’s trip to Davos and his presentation to the World Economic Forum:

But first Justin’s new math: New ancient Math tablet discovered. Will change everything we thought we knew about new Math.

The 3,700-year-old Babylonian tablet Plimpton 322 at the Rare Book and Manuscript Library at Columbia University in New York.         1 + 1 = 3…Yikes

On another note: Province’s education minister calling out those parents who complain about the math program as suffering from”Mathaphobia.”  “They will be dealt with” hey/zey and zir announced.

Trudeau’s Speechwriter at Davos?. “I don’t need no teleprompter.” Trudeau was heard to say!

Image result for embarrasing pics of trudeau Trudeau’s Economic Policy. Trudeau remarked: “It’s just too complicated for ordinary Canadians to understand. It all boils down to four words: F%$K the Middle Class.

Or this:


Image result for embarrassinf pics of trudeau

Finally, on Terrorism:

Image result for embarrasing pics of trudeau      “Just like me!”

On Foreign Policy, Justin was equally profound:

“Canada’s foreign policy is all foreign to me Fare!”

Other important stuff:

Nafta and Canada. “Naf said,” McKenna, Canada’s Climate Barbie announces in her down homer accent.  “Ta!, Bye, Bye.”


At a recent press conference, Justin Trudeau called U.S.-based Haitians entering Quebec “irregular” immigrants, as opposed to illegal ones, even though they are illegal.

On another note, and following Trudeau’s comments, a Canadian government official, Ahmed Hussein er Hussen, the “Minister for Illegal Immigration,” who wishes to remain anonymous, says that Keopectate will be issued to all new illegals, er irregulars. Trudeau then left for his latest round of international meetings and important discussions with foreign leaders and Heads of State.

“No Mum, this is the way to do the Macarena.”

Image result for pictures of justin trudeau and merkel

“Hey Mutti, I just passed Ontario’s sex education program.”

“Wonderbra Justin. I’m so excited.”

Continuing on in the Badfinger vein:




Nuts Over Nutella

Thus just in: Nutella riots sparked across France.

“They are like animals,” one customer at the Rive-de-Gier supermarket in central France told LeProgres, according to The Local France. “A woman had her hair pulled, an elderly lady took a box on her head, another had a bloody hand. It was horrible.” Haven’t seen anything like this since, since, since??? Macron’s wedding!”

Meanwhile a huge spike in dental visits has been recorded all across France. “Mon Dieu” someone was heard to say. In response the Trump administration issued a travel warning – stay well clear of France.

Here I thought the Swiss invented Nutella but it was the Italians. “Mama Mia!”


Cold weather is a relative thing  (Courtesy of Maggie’s Farm)

60 above zero:
Californians and Arizonians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

50 above zero:

Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

20 above Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Upstate New Yorkers close the windows.

10 below zero:

Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in Upstate New York are selling cookies door to door.

Sooo true.


From the Moonbat State comes this: California to state that Coffee presents a Cancer Risk. Bacon and Eggs and sausages cause climate change. All those Alligators out there shook their heads in response.

Doritos has come to the top of the list on California’s Food Guide. Gerry Brown the Governor of California, in response, will have Doritos for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner – to save the planet.

Not to be outdone: Chelsea Clinton says Women’s Reproductive Health Rights Are Connected to Climate Change and those really, really bad horny males out there. All the Alligators nodded in agreement (see Friday’s post).

This just in from Michael Moore:

Image result for Pics of Michael Moore

“Donald J. Trump has proven himself to be completely unfit for office, a threat to our country, and an imminent danger to the world. He is not well; he is a malignant narcissist and an active sociopath. And because he holds the codes to fire nuclear weapons, he is a singular threat to humanity,” he said, as he sucked back on one of his many Harvey Wallbangers!  I am so fed up I am going out to California and hang out with my buds (shown above)!

Another Ontario PC leader resigns due to sexual allegations. This is becoming so yesterday. Politics is a very dirty business. Funny all of this occurring 4 months prior to an erection…er election. Wynne must be beside herself with glee here. Sexual allegations? The gift that keeps on giving to my male opponents – she was heard to remark.

Canada will extend their CF 18s to 2032 and beyond. 50 years old. To go along with the 100 year old Sea Kings, 50 year old warships and never to be delivered Joint Support Ships and Arctic Operating Vessels. “Hey you voted Liberal didn’t you?” – the Defence Minister was heard to say, in between laughter. He then unveiled Canada’s new uniform:

Image result for Civil War Soldier

And Canada’s New Order of Battle:

Navy: We ordered 20 of these beauties – if we can find the blueprints!

Image result for pics of old warships

Air Force: 100 of these babies.

Image result for pics of old airplanes

Army: We can get these harbingers of death real cheap:

Image result for pics of old tanks

“I am soooo happy and excited.” The minister was heard to remark.


Song of the day in keeping with my interest in the 1970s band “Badfinger.”

“Lonely You”


Happy Monday.




Interesting read about Patrick Brown, the Ontario Conservative Party Leader, who resigned amid allegations of sexual misconduct. Appears he did something bad a number of years ago when he was single and available. Allegationists have come out now with their allegations. Why now? Why not a year ago? 10 years ago. In this new caustic environment it’s okay to destroy someone, normally a male, without a shred of evidence. Why? Because it was a female complainant. No other reason. It must be true. I’m waiting for the first male to spout off  a sexual allegation against a female. See where that takes ya. And bully to our Prime Minister who supports the sexual vigilantism in all of its nastiness. Of course he is a feminist isn’t he.

My two words of advice to all the males out there:

Beware of Cougars

Couple on Holiday in Provence.South of France

A “Cougar” is defined as an older woman attracted to younger men. On the prowl sort of whereas an Alligator (my definition):

Image result for pics of aan alligator

is any woman out there ready to devour or destroy the reputation, livelihood and well being of any male it has her sights on – without due course, due diligence, due evidence, or due process. Just due allegations! It’s just a “let’s dues this” and eat him up for breakfast. We’re due they, the radical feminists, were due to say. Let’s go after that due’d and eat him up.

See how the Alligator laughs in that photo. She knows!

Men are screwed.

But beware all of you radical feminists out there. Chivalry is dead now. You have just put the last nail into the “gentlemanly coffin.”  I mean I’m an old fart, a grumpy old man, well past his best before date but if I was younger I would definitely do things differently in today’s toxic atmosphere. No more holding the door open, paying for dinner, compliments, drinks or whatever. I would belch, fart, grunt, swear, and scratch my ass – wiggle me nuts – tell dirty jokes, well perhaps not, and – y’know all of those things that define a male – in front of you.  And, I would think twice about working with a woman because you just never know. It could be next week, next month, a year from now, maybe 10 years from now, as is Brown’s case, and wham – a sexual innuendo allegation from an “Alligator” comes your way. No defence, no evidence, just hearsay and buddy you are screwed. Nuff said.

On the “Trudeau Strong and Free” front

Image result for stupid pics of trudeau

Another of Trudeau’s mandate tracking letters:

“The Government of Canada has reached agreements with all provinces and territories on collective priorities and 10-year funding to strengthen health care. In August 2017, federal, provincial and territorial (W – T – F) governments reached agreement on a Common Statement of Principles on Shared Health Priorities, which outlines key priorities for federal investments to improve access to mental health and addictions services, as well as home and community care and a joint commitment to advance health innovation and prescription drugs.”

What does that mean? No idea! Transparency again. So transparent that we can all see through it. All I know is that this mandate has been actioned as “completed.” Well, the home support care my wife received before she passed was awful, and my son had to wait 10 months for essential varicose vein surgery on one leg while being told there would be an equally long wait for surgery on his other leg. The Doctors from Lego were not amused. They just nodded their legs…er heads in agreement. Yes, completed my ass…no leg you idiot!

Other stuff:

Poor Melania Trump. Doesn’t matter what she does or says she is vilified by those people who are just do damn tolerant and compassionate – don’t you know. Like these two:

Image result for pic of oprah and weinstein

Oprah for President? Are you kidding me? Okay, all you radical feminists out there. Where’s the outcry here? And don’t say Oprah didn’t know. You wouldn’t give the same courtesy to Melania Trump.


An additional $2.5M will be required to keep this “beacon of fun” going until 28 Feb.

canada 150 rink

Oh you mean the rink that fun forgot. No racing, no holding hands, no shinney, no hockey, no eating, no drinking, no skating, no music or dancing, no figure skating! No horseplay, nada. Oh, and you have to wait 3 hours to get through security. Unfortunately metal blades, as in skate blades, like box cutters, are forbidden and will be confiscated. Meanwhile just a couple of blocks away:

Image result for pics of the rideau canalOur government at work. The right hand not having a clue what the left are doing. And I can tell you the left are up to no good.

Tune of the day:

The songs of Badfinger are indeed timeless. Check out this mostly unknown band from the 70s.


Have a great freakin Friday and a great weekend. Back Monday.











Rob the Lob

Image result for pics of lobster

Here’s looking at you kid…Rob the Lobster!

The short piece about the lobsters in yesterdays post got me to remembering something that happened to my wife and I years ago.

I was stationed in Halifax NS. First time living in the Maritimes. My wife and I bought a house out in the Dartmouth burbs. One day she said to me. “Why don’t we have lobster tonight for dinner? I mean we have never had that before and it’s supposed to be a real delicacy down here.”

“Okay.” I said.”I’ll get a couple. We’ll have them tonight.”

So down I go to the local fisherman’s wharf after work and buy a couple of lobsters.

“They’re  canners the guy told me. Not as expensive as the real normal thingys, a bit smaller, but just as tasty.” I paid him and left. “Of course they are still alive,” he added “so be careful of the pincers.”

I got home and was proud of my catch. Changed, waited until about 6pm then went into the kitchen.

“So, are ya goin to cook these two babies?” I said to me wife. “Me?” she said looking at me quizzically. “I don’t know how to cook lobsters. I thought you were going to cook them.”

I looked at her dumbfounded and with a dumb look on my face. I was gobsmacked! Of course this was back in the day before the Internet so I couldn’t check on line to see what gobsmacked meant!

“Can’t be difficult.” I thought. So I took out a large pot. Got the lobsters and smeared them both with butter avoiding their pincers at all cost. They were still alive, withering and moving in slow motion as if they knew their fate. I turned on the oven and preheated it up to 450. Once that occurred I threw the lobsters into the pot and placed the pot into the oven. Done, now sit back relax have a few beers and wait.

All of a sudden all hell broke loose. The kitchen lit up in a cacophony of noise: click-ity clack, click-ity clack, clack, clack. Click, click, click, clack clack clack. “What the hell was going on.”I thought. I turned the oven light on and took a look. “Good gawd almighty.” I screamed. The two lobsters climbed out of the pot and were scurrying to and from all over the oven. Jesus, what now. What do I do now? I called my buddy and told him what was happening. He started to laugh.

“No, no, you idiot. You can’t bake lobsters. Too cruel to place them in the oven and slowly kill them” “So, what do I do then?” I asked of him. “You have to boil them alive. Its a better, quicker fate for them… Get a large pot of water then boil it to a running boil then throw the lobsters in and when their shells turn a bright red, they’re done.” “Oh, really” I thought, “okay.” But why don’t I just smash their heads in then throw them in.” “No, no, no. He said “You have to cook them alive otherwise a toxin is released that could make you really, really sick.”

I turned off the oven, got the largest pot I could find, filled it with water then waited until I had a running boil.  How do I get the lobsters out of the oven. They are surely going to be pissed off with me no doubt. Better avoid those pincers at all cost.

They were pissed. I could tell they were in such a state of click-ity clack panic. They slithered quickly out of the oven and fell onto the floor. Pissed off with me no doubt. The wife and I ran around the kitchen floor trying to nail these guys but to no avail. It was comical but not at the time. I don’t know who was scareder. The lobsters or us. Finally we cornered them in the corner of the kitchen and somehow got them up and into that pot. It took a while but we managed to capture them. Holding them I could sense their evil eye or feelers or antennae or whatever their tiny brain cells were that they were not all too happy about their fate or about me!

Into the pot they went and sure enough, after a short while their outer shells turned red. For good measure I left them in there for a few more minutes until I knew for certain that their lobster souls had gone to lobster heaven.

Okay, there they were. On our plates. But looking down at them it seemed to me that they were both looking back up at me and laughing. “Yeah,” I thought I heard them say: “you are an idiot. You may have won this battle but you have lost the war. Try eating us now idiot with your tools. It ain’t easy. And be careful of the green mush of our bodies. It’s disgusting.” Trying to get at their legs, tails and pincers with a knife and fork was a real challenge. I got frustrated for I knew I had lost this culinary war. I threw them out and made myself a couple of peanut butter sangys. It wasn’t until later that someone told me you have to eat them with a nut cracker in hand. “Who’s nuts are we going to crack.” I asked sheepishly. You know, when I threw them two canners out into the trash I thought I heard some cackling noises – directed my way. No,no,no, give your head a shake shakey.

Other stuff:

I see the UK is establishing a new government Ministry to address loneliness. The Ministry will be right beside the now well established and well respected, infamous Ministry of Silly Walks:

Image result for pics of ministry of silly walks

Another one bites the dust. Patrick Brown, leader of Ontario’s Conservative Party steps down and resigns amid allegations of sexual impropriety.

“We’ll have to get a new head,” a senior party official was want to say.

“Er sir, best to use the word leader instead of head.” another senior advisor proffered (How I love that word proffered – learned it at University)

“Well yes,” he went on. “We’ll have to learn to lead with our hearts instead of our heads,” he continued. Ehhhhh? PCs are doomed. 4 more years of Wynne. PCs? The party that keeps on giving.

Geesh….we’re doomed. I am deeply concerned as I once admired a woman 25 years ago! Yikes.


Gawd, Canada’s Free Press had a scathing piece about Trudeau’s very limited brain cells. That should guarantee him a vast majority in 2019. After all the Quebec and Ontario electorate, from the two province’s that really run Canada, is so bereft of brain cells that they all but guarantee a massive majority. “But he has nice socks, and don’t forget about the hair!” One of the voting public remarked.


In deference to the UK brain trust the following tune is proffered:

Almost forgot:

Scots, wha hae – Happy Burns Day! and here’s to the haggis.


Have a terrific Thursday.