Late today. Host server problems. It happens sometimes.
This will be short.
It sucks living alone. Every since my wife passed I have been feeling kind of lonesome. But not in the food department. You see when my wife was alive I had to eat healthy stuff.
Stuff that I loved as a young single man was forbotten (sic) in this household. Not any more:
I love Homogenized milk. I hate 2%, or 1% or that Almond milk stuff. It is like drinking water and how can one ever drink nuts. Eh, Huh, Hmmm?
Kraft Dinner (KD) was THE staple food group for every young single male out there. I don’t really know what went into the cheese powder but when milk and butter were added the resultant chemical reaction was nectar to our taste buds. Add hot dog wieners and you had a gastronomical delight. The after effect had its glow and was ripe as well.
I just went out and bought some “Cheez Whiz.” Yes, yes I know that “Cheez Whiz” and perhaps KD are probably one molecule short of being plastic but never you mind. On celery it was a major Canadian delectable. Ask any prairie farmer or hick from southern Ontario and he’ll tell you just how yummy “Cheez Whiz” iz. Eh??
The industry standard. Processed cheez in a jar. You couldn’t ask for more than that eh Bill Blasio – Mayor of New York City.
Oh and speaking of cheeze. Being alone I no longer have to put up with that overly expensive, highly cheezie, over rated natural cheddar, Rocquefort blue (smells like dirty socks), brie or the many of the other so called healthy metro-sexual choices. No, no, no. This is my standard:
Highly processed cheeze and coming to a kitchen counter near me. Mmmmmmm!
Do you have any idea how many grilled cheeze sandwiches (with ketchup) I can make with that stack? I know what you are thinking. “How gross.” The only answer I could possibly come up with is: “cheez off.”
Be honest now. You know you like this stuff, especially with the highly salted canned tomato soup – or a health nut’s worst nightmare. Which brings me to a mystery of life. One I have repeated before but is very appropriate with this post:
“Why are there so many sick shopping in health food stores? Eh? Huh?
White bread. I forget the name but that loaf of bread that had the red and blue dots on its packaging was the white bread standard of the world as far as I was concerned. Oh, yeah, “Wonder Bread.” Everyone wondered what the hell went into that loaf that made it pure white and fresh gooey dough – and not like those multi-grain monstrosities or granola fused concoctions that one can buy in a health food stores at triple the price. Those items were gross as far as I was concerned. At least with “Wonder Bread” you didn’t have to pick the sesame seeds or granola bits out from between your teeth. “Wonder Bread” was also great because all it took to get that mushy white glob or gooey dough – that was probably slathered with peanut butter and jam – out from the back of your gums was to stick your finger back there and feel the ooze of that gooey white dough come off from the top of your teeth. Man, doughs were the daze I can tell you that.
You bet it does! And an added bonus was that you remained a “regular” guy.
You see there is an old saying that a well respected junk foody once told me.
Yup, all of my major food groups!
“If things are good in moderation then they must be great in excess.” Yessssssss, mine and my good friend Ian’s credo for the junk food life
Now here is a little foody joke to end this post:
The Cruel Sea …
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
“We’re sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen” said one of the officers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The constable said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”
“Lord sufferin’ Jesus and Holy Mother of God!” exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”
The constable continued, “When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, “Glory be to God, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?”
The constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
Sorry again for the delay.
Have a great day.
PS: I once worked in a factory in Toronto making Cheez Puffs. Another major food group.