Ne, Ve or Ze…Hey!

Don’t you know:

  1. Climate change is a  feminist movement. Why, because it’s always changing man…..;
  2. Carbon is a transgendered element of the Periodic Table. It is stuck between that borion “B” and that nitrogen-der;
  3. Cow farts and flatulence contributes to Global Warming and is therefore a masculine threat. Why? Because women never, ever fart. And if they do their farts never stink. It must be stamped out immediately. See #1 above;
  4. The other day an activist told me that Archimedes worked for big oil. This was in response to a discussion I had with him that he needn’t worry about major flooding and sea level rising if the Arctic Ice Cap melts
  5. Eureka! The Arctic Ice Cap is not melting. It’s expanding. It must be a feminist movement as well. “Am I getting bigger. Do I look fat to you honey?;
  6. Global Warming causes hot summer weather;
  7. Global Warming causes cold, frigid winter weather;
  8. Frigidity is a feminist movement and must be stamped out at all costs;
  9. Global cooling is therefore, a feminist threat, and must be met with #3 above;
  10. Under peer review, as temperatures rise the warming effects of global warming will offset the cooling effects of global cooling as a result of the global warming. Got that? Yeah? cool! Chill man, er woman, er ne, ve or ze, er wo…oops…man
  11. Pesticides found in Marijuana! Ban marijuana now before it kills us;
  12. Pot for kids! Ban pot now because you can’t call the kettle back;
  13. Under the new marijuana legislation, every pot has a lid man, er women, er ne,ve or ze!;
  14. Heaven help us if the kids are our future…see #12 above;
  15. Hooray for natural gas…see #3 above.
  16. Liquid natural gas? Well a good dose of Keopectate will take care of that;
  17. Greenpeace and US activists protest First Nation sponsored aqua-culture…What?;
  18. Ne, Ve or Ze. Clockwork Oranges.
  19. Smoking kills but smoking pot is alright man. It’s out of sight, out of mind, and out of body; and
  20. Thank God that I will be dead soon…see #s 19,14 and 12 above.

Madness!

Proportional Representation

This is my second kick at the proportional cat but it is a very important issue that goes to the very core of our democracy. It is a long read:

Fair Choice Canada has recently published and distributed a political newsletter titled “This is Democracy?,” which attempts to address Canada’s electoral system of voting. Obviously their initiative is well planned and timed to coincide with the government’s plan to rid us all of this “archaic and undemocratic” voting methodology. Their argument is that the First Past the Post (FPTP) system is unfair, undemocratic and needs to be purged in time for the 2019 election for one of Proportional Representation (PR).

But is it?

I read their newsletter with great interest. I then took a look at the Fair Vote website and found that both the newsletter and the web site’s information to be downright misleading.

The adverse comments made by Fair Vote Canada about the stability or lack thereof of the Canadian system of government and the associated electoral process that supports that system tells me just how misleading the Fair Vote group really is and entirely ignorant of our electoral history with a distortion of the facts.  If you take a look at their website and view the backgrounders on “Click on a Canadian” rogue’s gallery their motivation becomes blatantly clear. In essence their efforts reflect a progressive desire to change our electoral system to ensure that there will never, ever be a right of centre, conservative government in this country ever again, but a government focused solely on the progressive agenda of the left leaning parties, i.e., the Liberals, the NDP, and the Greens.  It will ensure that fringe parties such as the Greens could hold the balance of power in a coalition government without the requisite votes necessary to substantiate that hold.

Fair Vote Canada states that FPTP originated in the 12th Century: a time of peons, serfs and peasants, an electorate that had no clue as to the world around them. After all, the world was flat right? Perhaps, but it was also a time where a very significant democratic document was drafted – The Magna Carta (1215) – a document of which its effects and impacts on our democratic parliamentary system have held up well over time and through a multitude of democratic crises and global instability. The Magna Carta continues to have a powerful iconic status in British society, and other Westminster based parliamentary governments, such as Canada, being cited by politicians and lawyers in support of constitutional positions, its perceived guarantee of trial by jury, rule of law and other civil liberties.  The document also continues to be honoured in the United States as an antecedent of the US’s Constitution and Bill of Rights.

FPTP may suck but the alternatives really suck.  Our Parliamentary democracy is a flawed system but the only system that has held up through the years. Canada is a large country where one’s political beliefs, place of residence and regional grievances are, or can be, significant determinants of electoral success or failure. But it also holds true that these successes or failures are cyclical in nature and subject to the whims of the electorate and their determination as to how well the governing party has represented itself to the people they represent.  We can turf the bastards out (John A in 1873 / 1874, Mulroney in 1993, Martin in 2006).  With a PR system turfing the bastards out, especially on the left, will be extremely difficult to do because of the coalition aspects and nature of power. If one left leaning party fails in governing, another could take the helm with the help of the other two, or three, or four! In Canada the Conservatives represent the only credible right of centre party whereas the Liberals, NDP and the Greens are well represented on the left.  Indeed, if a PR system had been in effect in Canada it is doubtful that the Conservatives would have won the 1979, 1988, 2006, 2008 or 2011 elections. Is this a fair reflection of the will of the electorate? It is too lopsided in favour of one political ideology. The checks and balances of a real opposition disappear under PR and that is why so many of the people in the Fair Vote Canada’s “click on a Canadian” rogues gallery are in favour of this system.

Fair Vote Canada states that Canada is one of only 3 OECD countries still using the antiquated winner take all system while over 85% use a version of Proportional Representation (PR). This is misleading in that Canada, Australia (revised FPTP in preferential voting in upper and lower houses), New Zealand (Mixed Member Proportional – revised FPTP)) and the United States use a FPTP system or derivative but based upon the English model, not the questionable Canadian model as Fair Vote Canada implies.  Perhaps over 85% of the 35 OECD countries do use PR for a total of 29 countries but there are over 50 nations worldwide that use a FPTP system or variant thereof, OECD or not.  Interestingly, many of these FPTP countries tend to be either a former colony of the UK and/or a United States protectorate. Perhaps these countries decided, on winning independence, to adopt a system that was tried and true and stable over the centuries.

Tony Blair, defending FPTP, argued that other systems give small parties the balance of power, and influence disproportionate to their votes.  Allowing people into parliament who did not finish first in their district was described by David Cameron as creating a “Parliament full of second-choices who no one really wanted but didn’t really object to either.” I think Winston Churchill said it best when he stated that the alternative FPTP vote system is “determined by the most worthless votes given for the most worthless candidates.” (Wikipedia)

New and emerging countries’ democracies, especially those in Eastern Europe and Africa, may have adopted PR due to the instability of their governments, the ignorance and social volatility of a poorly educated electorate and the fragility of their governance structures. They are not mature enough for a two or three party FPTP system.  Luckily we do not suffer from that in Canada.

Fair Vote Canada continually compares Canada to New Zealand, especially during the two nation’s 2014 national elections.* Last time I looked Canada had its last national election in 2015. Yet their stats about New Zealand and Canada are very misleading. Under NZ’s Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) system, a party first had to win with their FPTP electoral votes before they could contend for Party PR votes and appropriate seats in their legislature.  These PR seats are apportioned off by a Party List – Closed or Open – dictated by the party leadership and not the voters.  NZ holds elections every 3 years and no party can win a majority without a coalition.  As a result, nothing gets done because governments will only take power through a coalition or inter-party agreements. The electorate has no control over the horse trading. Is that an acceptable form of government and representation for a nation such as Canada with significant regional differences? I think not.

Australia gets a much higher percentage of voters under their system because it is illegal not to vote there in national elections. In Canada’s 2015 election voter turnout was 68%; in New Zealand, 77% (2014); and Australia, 93% (2013). Not too bad.  Of that 68% Canadian turnout, 39% went to the Liberals for 184 seats, The Conservatives with 31.9% of the vote won 99 seats; the NDP won 44 seats with 19.7% of the votes; the Bloc, 10 seats with 4.7% of the vote; and the Greens 1 seat with 3.4% of the vote.  The Liberals won a majority of seats, not of the electorate, but of the 5 parties involved combined.  If you look at the Province by Province breakdown and percentages of the vote then the election was fairly indicative of what the country wanted. They wanted change! Yet under a PR system in Canada there is a real possibility that one would only see a left of centre government change but no change in ideology.

In my opinion, a great deal of the Fair Vote BC argument for PR reflects sour grapes. Parties such as the Greens, NDP, Bloc, Communists, Bridge, Marijuana, Independents etc may never form a government because their policies are just too extreme or untenable by the majority of Canadians.  Even under a PR system, where electoral thresholds are established, these parties may never see the light of day.  The Greens and the Bloc in particular are one issue or regional parties and that fact is well reflected in their 2015 electoral results.  In fact if Canada had had a MMP system in place for the 2015 election with an electoral threshold of 4-5%, as New Zealand has, the Greens would not have a single seat in Parliament. Furthermore, in a country such as Canada with 5 national parties, if one can count the Greens and Bloc as legitimate national parties, it will be near impossible for any one party to achieve a majority that reflects over 50% of the electorate. Impossible. The likes of 1958 and 1984 are long gone. Yet under our current system, the Greens did elect an MP to Parliament. Saanich and the Gulf Islands went to Elizabeth May with over 8% of the popular vote in BC.

It is too bad that some areas of the country failed to elect a representative of their choice, such as a Green or a NDP or a Conservative or a Liberal, or a Communist, or a Marijuana representative. But that’s our democracy. Nevertheless, it is beholden to the elected representative to support all of his constituents, no matter the party stripe or leanings, once elected to Parliament. If he doesn’t, we can turf him. Yet it is entirely possible that under a PR system my riding could be represented by someone who has never been here or lived here.  So how does one turf a poor representative under PR?  It is almost impossible because the Party Leadership and not the electorate controls the Party Lists.  And don’t forget how the Liberals appoint many of their candidates now. They undermine the grassroots political process by bypassing the nominating committees and unilaterally appoint the candidate who will represent a particular riding.  Is that democracy in action? I would also say that under an open or closed list PR system, that kind of dictatorial behaviour will become the norm.  And is it fair that a party such as the Greens should acquire 15 seats in Parliament as a result of their 3.4% of the national vote with the potential of holding the balance of power under PR MMP, based primarily on their Vancouver Island result?  That could happen under PR.

The Greens and the NDP are blaming the electoral process for their failings and are ticked that they do not hold more seats in the House based upon their percentage of the popular vote, when they should be having a good look at themselves and their policies for their failure to connect nationally. For example, the Green’s Israeli divestment and boycott policy is pure discrimination and perhaps racist. The NDP’s interest in adopting the Leap Manifesto would launch Canada back into the Dark Ages if they were ever in a position of power.

In many European countries PR may work effectively because there are no major regional differences like there are in Canada.  Interestingly, much of the governance of the Netherlands, Belgium and other European countries of similar size now default to the EU Parliament and bureaucracy. I would say that the geographical determinant is relevant in most of the countries that have been identified by Fair Vote as being pro PR, i.e., they are very small in area and lack regional differences such as that found in Canada.

Fair Vote Canada states that voter turnout will improve under PR.  I would maintain that voter turnout has nothing to do with what form of an electoral process is adopted but has everything to do with age and apathy. According to Elections Canada, the turnout hasn’t been too bad: from its lowest at 58.8% in 2008 to its highest at 79.2% in 1963 – higher than the 1867 election and higher than what NZ normally achieves.  Low turnout is normally attributed to the young, who are naturally suspicious of all politicians and symbols of authority, or those people who are just too lazy to get off their butts and come out to the polls.  This is the primary reason Australia has made it mandatory for their electorate to vote.

Women and Minorities representation will improve under PR.  Yes, if the Party leader can arbitrarily pick and choose candidates without prejudice for an open or closed list. In reality what is happening is a quota system and that is wrong.  It is blatant discrimination and racism.  And how does one define minority? In Toronto, for example, the white Anglo Saxon population of that city is now the minority at less than 49%. Yet do whites fit into the minority narrative?  To a progressive…No! Nevertheless, the person with the best qualifications should be the standard. Our current Liberal government, a government elected under the FPTP system, is well represented by women and visible minorities (?) and is within an acceptable range as highlighted in the “This is Democracy?” newsletter.

The newsletter cites Italy as an example of electoral stability, as compared to Canada.  The newsletter goes on to state that Canada is the most unstable of the major democracies. Why? Because Canada has had 22 elections since 1945, whereas Italy has only had 18.  Using that logic why wasn’t NZ brought into the mix. They have national elections every three years. Since 1945 that fact would equate to about 23 elections (24 actually). Yet Fair Vote Canada makes no mention of NZ as being an unstable democracy due to their electoral process – only Canada is branded in that light because of their electoral frequency under a FPTP system!

Yes Canada has had 22 elections since WW2 but I would put it that this is a reflection of how strong and stable our system of government is.  Canada has a parliamentary system of government based upon Westminster that calls for an election, until Harper’s fixed election date decree, of every 5 years. That alone would require an election every 14.2 years in Canada since 1945 if all governments were majority in nature. But they haven’t been and I would argue that that is also a good thing because the strength of our democracy and parliamentary system of government holds poor governments and minorities to account (Arthur Meighen, Pearson, Joe Clark) by forcing them to go to the polls for public validation.  Our system also prevents potential constitutional crises – Mackenzie King, Bing affair comes to mind – something that Italy could only hope for.

Italy may have had only had 18 elections since WW2 but they have had 65 different governments since 1945, and therein lies the problem that can arise with PR.  Nothing gets done.  Why?  Because under a PR electoral system, coalitions are necessary for power and political survival.  By their very nature, they are unstable.  Can you imagine the political chaos in Canada if the Layton, Dion and Duceppe coalition had taken down Harper’s duly elected minority government back in December 2008?  It would have been an electoral coup!  Luckily, through our strong and stable system of parliamentary rules and protocol, Harper was able to prorogue parliament and thus avoid political instability in this country.  The Liberals backed down from the coalition early in 2009. Whew! The only people who were ticked off with this were those members of the coalition and the left.

As an example of the efficacy and democratic stability of Italy’s PR system, as Fair Vote Canada implies, here are some facts about Italy’s 2008 election:

“An early election was called (in Italy) when Romano Prodi resigned as prime minister in January, after the collapse of his centre-left coalition, which had been in power for just 20 months…only one Italian government has lasted a full five-year term in the last 50 years, led by conservative Silvio Berlusconi between 2001-2006 and even he was forced to resign once during that time by fractious allies.”

“Italians blame electoral laws for chronic instability that brought down the 61st government since World War Two in January. The system, still in use, mixes proportional representation with a threshold of 2 percent for parties in a coalition and 4 percent for single parties. It permitted more than 20 parties to take seats in 2006.”

And the real kicker here is:

“Both Berlusconi and Veltroni favoured altering the system to reduce the PR element and push Italy towards a two-party system.” Unfortunately, for Italy, that hasn’t happened yet.

Who knew?

In closing, it is extremely difficult in Canada for any political party to obtain a true majority government that represents the majority of voters. Why? Because some voters are Liberal, some are Conservative, some NDP, a few Greens thrown into the mix and a few support protest parties such as the Bloc. They all have influence and will direct how a particular voter will cast their ballet.

In the Canadian political landscape a majority really means a majority among many of the parties involved.  I would also say with conviction that a PR majority in the Canadian sense is also a majority among many, but only established through a coalition of the left and back room dealings – just like they do in Italy.  Interesting that when a Conservative party in Canada wins a majority at 39% of the electoral vote, that government is considered a fraud by the left because the majority of Canadians didn’t vote for them. But their twisted logic makes no complaint when a Liberal government does the same thing. Why? Because the Liberal party represents an element of the left so are therefore acceptable and legitimate. In that respect PR has the potential of becoming an extremely inefficient, ineffective, undemocratic and corrupt electoral process of democracy that could undermine our Parliamentary form of government.

Fair Vote Canada suggests that 70% of Canadians support PR. This is very misleading. They quote various polls and the BC 2005 referendum as examples. Well, nobody asked me! In BC, in 2009 however, 61% voted to retain the current system.  In 2005, in PEI, 64% voted against PR or a change to the current system.  In Ontario’s referendum in 2007, 63% of Ontarians rejected change and only 5 of 107 ridings did a majority favour a change. Misleading the public with stats such as this underlines the essential requirement for a national referendum and a voice for all Canadians if we are to even contemplate changing the electoral process in this country.

Our current FPTP system is flawed but has stood the test of time for almost 150 years. It has survived and held up during Two World Wars, various constitutional crises, major economic downturns such as the Great Depression of the 1930s and the Great Recession of 2008, as well as domestic terrorism such as the October Crisis of 1970. It may be flawed but I would say to Fair Vote Canada and the Canadian electorate that it is probably the best flawed system out there.  By the way, one of the most effective governments in Canada on record was Lester Pearson’s minority government of the 1960s. It is amazing what he accomplished.

As Mark Twain said in a phrase describing the persuasive power of numbers, particularly the use of statistics to bolster weak arguments: Lies, damn lies and statistics.

*Fair Vote’s This is Democracy newsletter initially stated that Canada and New Zealand had national elections in 2014. They have since updated that newsletter by comparing Canada and New Zealand’s 2011 national elections.

 

A Dysfunctional Community of Practice

One day in the fall I happened to be walking past our community recreation centre, which is adjacent to the old and unused tennis courts. I noticed that my good friend Ian was out there lashing a large pile of 2 x 4s together. Ian, being about 70 years old with knees as solid as chocolate mouse, appeared to be somewhat distressed.  Concerned, I went over to give him a hand. It turned out that he was just in the throes of beginning the preliminary work of constructing an outside ice-hickey rink for the youth of our village.

 

“Need a hand Ian.” I asked rather sheepishly.

 

“Yup.” Ian didn’t mince his words.

 

For the next day and a half I helped Ian construct the various frames required for the integrity of the side and end boards necessary for an outdoor hockey rink.

 

“That felt pretty good” I thought.  I was somewhat energized.

 

The following weekend a slew of men and women came together to actually put up the boards themselves. Before long our hockey rink took shape.

 

“Who are these guys and gals?” I wondered, aloud.

 

“That’s the Manotick Community Association” Ian volunteered.

 

Later that winter our village put on a Winter Carnival – “Shiver Fest” as it was called. It was great fun – outdoor and indoor activities where the whole community came out to put aside the February blahs and party, skate, gossip and play a little chin music.  A few days later I received a newsletter from the Manotick Community Association highlighting the success of the winter festival’s activities and thanking everyone involved who had volunteered their time.  Hey, I even received a honourable mention for my work on the hockey rink. I felt pretty good about that. Great stuff!

 

Now, being 52 years old one would think that I would know better.  But oh noooo, I was still as naïve as a self-assured, cocky, but unconscious teenaged dude. You see, I sent the association an e-mail thanking them for their efforts and offering my limited carpentry or grunt work services if the need should ever arrive. Well, before I could say “Community of Practice,” I found myself as a member of one of the association’s committees – the Hazardous Waste Committee to boot.  Crap, did they know something about my lifestyle that I didn’t? I must admit I did work for Imperial Tobacco a long, long time ago… I was their chain smoker!!

 

What to do? How can I get myself out of this?

 

“Look John” I said to myself. “You have always felt the need to belong to something – right?  Becoming involved with this community association may just be the ticket to your sense of well-being.A real feeling of belonging to a real Community of Practice, of purpose.”

 

“Yes, perhaps Johnny,” my evil twin added. “But the time, the time. You’ve been on these tribal councils before with Little League Baseball and Minor Hockey. The horror…the horror… You know the frustrations and dynamics of human nature. The process-ers, the naysay-ers, the chicken little-ers, the handwringers, the movers and shakers, the goody two shoe-ers, the workers, the – “I must be in charge at all cost-ers.”  “Yeah John, I know all that, but maybe this will be different”

 

“With whom on God’s green earth are you talking to??” my wife yelled.

 

I became engaged, a full participant. I was now a bona fide member of the Manotick Community Association – Hazardous Waste Committee dude. Hey, besides having a very, very warm and fuzzy feeling of belonging and community pride maybe I’ll learn something here and make some new friends.

 

About a month later I went to my first Association meeting. Ever so shyly, I climbed the stairs and entered the community hall. About 50 people had already gathered – talking, chattering, laughing, and making a whole lot of racket such that the noise level set off my tinnitus. Eying the forum for a familiar face, I noticed one of my old-timer ice-hockey colleagues, sitting by himself. I sauntered over and sat down beside him.

 

“Hey Vic, great season eh?” “No broken bones.”  For guys like us that’s a great season.

 

He laughed. Apparently Vic was a lurker, a regular here. He knew everyone:  their strengths and foibles, weaknesses and interests, everything.  He was a long time resident of Manotick so I figured he more than anyone else here could mentor me with the proceedings and nuances of the group.

 

Call to order. The Executive was up front facing us.  Manotick Mike, the president of the Manotick Community Association, took up the mic to call the meeting to order.

 

…Pause to note: There are two Mike Smiths in our village. One lives in the village itself and is the President of the Community Association. Hence “Manotick Mike”. The other Mike Smith lives just outside the village and runs his own business.  He is known as “Concrete Mike.” He is in the reification business…

 

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelch. Yikes, my tinnitus. I cried and cringed. Those squealing sound waves bouncing and ricocheting across that cavernous hall like those fingers scratching up the old school blackboard. Good gawd man. Small town or what?

 

Like Vic I decided to just sit back and lurk. I felt that it was safer that way as I did not want to embarrass myself with my procedural ineptness. Or perhaps I was just a little shy and self-conscious.

 

“They have an agenda” Vic told me. “First they’ll introduce themselves, welcome new members, blah, blah, blah.  You know, that introductory, nauseating stuff. – a real crock man”

 

Sure enough, I was welcomed as the Hazardous Waste Committee’s newbee (sic-k) volunteer. A round of applause.

 

“That always happens” Vic said. “Let’s make the sucker…. Oh I’m sorry John, volunteer, feel welcome – a real crock man!”

 

“Okay folks, on with our first agenda item – changes and amendments to our constitution” Manotick Mike announced. “Amendments to our charter.”

 

Vic leaned over: “Okay John, here come the process-ers.”

 

Vic was right as about three or four people tabled about 50 gazillion amendments. The process-ers and wordsmith-ers bogged us down.

 

“But we think ‘the’ should be changed to ‘those’. And delete ‘it’ on page 3, para 2 subsection 1, sub para (a) and add ‘these.’  It makes no sense in the context of this constitution, blah, blah, blah.”

 

Votes: Yay…. Nay….the nays have it, and on and on it went for about 1 ½ hours. Jeez, and only the first item of the agenda too.

 

“What on earth is happening?” I asked Vic.

 

“It happens all the time he said. A real crock.  We come up with a really great idea and concept – in this case Manotick community involvement – but the process-ers end up reifying the structural process of the group to such a degree and extent that it becomes abstract – no one can really understand what we’re talking about or doing anymore.”

 

“Hmmm, profound thought,” I thought.

 

“But here is where it gets interesting” Vic pointed out.

 

One of the process-ers put forth an amendment that stated that only those members who live within the 555 telephone exchange could be eligible to be president of the association.

 

“What is this?” I asked Vic.

 

“It’s a real crock man. That process guy is also one of those – I gotta be in charge at all cost-ers – type.  Manotick Mike now lives just outside the village. This guy wants him out so he can run for President.  A real crock” he added.

 

“Wow!” I thought. Brutal! And I thought this was going to be a friendly group!

 

The meeting went on for about 3 hours. I sat and listened and learned a great deal about what to expect from this group.  Sure enough, lots of discussion and heated debate from a few, but no action forthcoming – the naysay-ers and hand wringers.  Manotick Mike pleaded at times for volunteers.  What was interesting to me was that many of the volunteers who did come forward were individuals who had no apparent reason to volunteer in the first place.  It was a negotiated settlement on their part I would think. Ah, yes, the work-ers.

 

One lady got up and told us she was a member of the village’s Horticultural Society. She planted here, she planted there, she planted everywhere.

 

“I horticultured this, I horticultured that. I can horticulture up a storm.” She squawked

 

“You need flowers – I’ll horticulture them for you.”

 

“Must be the horticultural village idiot” I mused.

 

“No” Vic laughed, “She owns the village florist shop. What a crock of horticultural doo-doo.”

 

“Yeah” I added. “She should be planted – 6 ft under”

 

“Okay, so who wants to take the lead on our village’s main street beautification project?” Manotick Mike asked. No response.

 

Wow. What dynamics. It turned out that some lady who worked at the local senior citizens agency finally agreed to take on this initiative and accepted the role. I wonder who’s going to be breathing down her back?
“What a crock” Vic whispered.  “A hand-wringer for sure that horticulturalist.”

 

And on and on it went.  Yes, as a group we are just a little eccentric, a bit dysfunctional perhaps.  But you know what? We are a community of like-minded individuals who collectively want to make a difference in our town and in our lives.  We do practice what we preach and act on what we believe in.  Each and every one of us has the best interests of our community at heart – even if the process is torturous at times.

 

Teething problems? You bet. And while the group reflects the whole realm of human nature: emotions, foibles, strengths and weaknesses, we are all committed to a common goal of making Manotick the very best place to live in the Ottawa Valley. We’ll either have one heck of a time doing this as a Community of Practice, of Purpose or Resolve, or we’ll all slit our wrists in the process.  Nevertheless, when our collective knowledge begins to gel, watch out. There’ll be no stopping us.

 

“By the way Vic, what are you doing now that you’re retired?” I queried

 

“My wife and I have opened a pottery shop in the village”

 

“Oh yeah” I continued somewhat surprised. “Doing what? Making vases, bowls, jars?”

 

“No, crock pots. We make crock pots!!!”

 

I should have guessed.

 

Oh, and I forgot one other type of member. Those Betty Crock-ers!!

 

Me?  As a member of Manotick’s Hazardous Waste Committee, I’m currently up to my armpits in you know what.  It ain’t pretty but it is for the collective goo goo this doo doo

From the Files

“Hey Jay, what’s a shakin today?”

“Well let’s see George. Quite a bit actually

From the weird and wonderful Climate Change file:

“California is going to ban cow flatulence George”

“What’s flatulence Jay?”

“Cow farts George. They are going to ban cow farts in California to save the planet!”

“No kidding. You’re ribbing me Jay!”

“I can’t make this stuff up George. Next they’ll ban people from taking more than one breath a minute in order to reduce CO2 emissions. When that occurs you’ll be seeing a whole lot of people walking around LA with puffed out cheeks – both above and below the waist! Holding their breaths and holding their asses. It’s insane George but I’m really happy about this because I won’t have to listen to these Moonbats anymore. Especially the pompous ones lecturing me on how to live as they accept their awards then fly off to their holiday retreats.”

“Wow, something sure stinks in the state of California Jay”

“That’s Denmark George. Something smells in the state of Denmark.”

“It does? They banned cow farts there too Jay?”

“But the Moonbats in California defend their actions by saying that people laughed at Noah too. With his ark George”

“Can you imagine the stink on that ark George? But then again the methane probably kept the water levels at bay by keeping that ark afloat and warm. And when the flooding was almost over somebody, Noah perhaps, lit a torch when he went down into the hold on that ark to see and hear and smell what the fuss, racket and stink was all about. Then, like the burning bush, KA-BOOM, that ark went up in an catechismic explosion.”

“Holy shit” Noah was heard to say, but in deference to his Lord, the supreme being.

“The Old Testament’s proverbial shit hit the fan-tail of that ark George.”

“Is that where the proverb Ship.High.In.Transit. comes from Jay? Noah’s ark?”

“Perhaps George but I don’t know for certain. Could be. But it’s probably why no one has found Noah’s ark today. The methane explosion ripped that ark into a gazillion pieces, spread all across the ancient world I would think.”

“Oh yeah, and forced childbirth is the single biggest cause of global warming. I kid you not George. Must be in the grunts and the groans and the flatulence from where those labour intensive green house gas emissions come from”

“Women are giving birth in a greenhouse these days Jay?”

“Arctic melting will cause severe flooding on the shores of Greenland George!”

“Eureka, George”

“You don’t smell all that well yourself Jay.”

No, no, no George. Eureka! Eureka. You know -as in Archimedes and his Principle, Eureka. That an object will displace its own weight in water. Arctic ice, it floats, but when it melts the water level in the Arctic Ocean remains the same.  But the Moonbats out there will not believe this law of physics and will state categorically and adamantly that Archimedes and his principle are coming to you from Big Oil.

“Oh and one more thing George. Global Warming will wipe out breakfast cereals by 2070”

“That’s okay cause I like my cereal cold anyway Jay, so I’m not worried.”

“That’s the least of your worries George”

“Man, we are doomed!”

From the Craziness File:

“Thief allegedly steals up to $179,000 in gold coins and gold pucks from the Canadian mint by stuffing them, or so the mint suggests, up his ass, then walking out. Probably got the idea and motivation from the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”

“Wow. And the mint claims that they have a suspect and that as far as they are concerned the puck stopped there! Holy anal retentiveness George. Holy shit! That guy’s got balls and one helleva rectum, if he is found guilty of course, which he hasn’t.”

“That’s one helluva job Jay, one helluva job bringing that in!”

From the Oxymoronic File:

“Safe Injection Sites are springing up everywhere across Canada George.”

“Ban flatulence in cows, and in humans too, as it really is Natural Gas, isn’t it Jay?!”

“You bet George”

“200 protesters recently protesting the latest LNG proposition in B.C. then hopping into their SUVs, pickup trucks and cars for the drive home.”

“Protesters protesting a proposed new cell tower in the local countryside all the while talking on their cell phones to get more protesters out to protest the new cell tower’s construction.”

_____________

“Bit of trivia George. How many falls are there in Klamath Falls Oregon?How many huh, huh?”

“Dunno Jay. How many?” One set of falls perhaps?”

“Nope, none George. There are no falls in Klamath Falls Oregon.”

Quote of the week

“Militancy is great – for pacifists”

 

“Until next time George”

Shakey Jay…..out

Words*

Sorry, I was away yesterday thus no post.

Words!  What is in a word?  My kingdom for a word!  A horse it may be but a horse is only a word that by any other name is still a word. Words declare wars, they garner peace. Words can be hurtful, they can be playful. Words describe words as in spiteful words, hurtful words, insightful words.  We can have a war of words, crosswords or them’s fightin words. Words can be theatrical:  we can have a play on words. Word is law.  It is the word. Words are prophetic. Words can be the gospel truth. So sayeth the word of the Lord. Words inspire, they transpire. Words transcribe: you have my word on that. Failing that, can I have a word with you? But words are not enough. That’s why we have lawyers. Words can also be despotic, or chaotic. A single word can inspire poetry, lyricism.

We can combine words to make quotable quotes: some profound, some sublime, some simplistic, some stupidly clear:

 “To be or not to be – that is the question.” That may be but on Jeopardy it is the answer!

 “If things are good in moderation then they must be great in excess.”  My favourite.

Yet words are not enough when communicating.  Context and understanding are crucial. Without context confusion arises to the point of ridiculousness.  Let me try to illustrate this by something that I learned in school:

Take the word “nit.” The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines “nit” as a stupid person, a louse.  Then add the letter “k” before the “n” and you have “knit.” Yet the word “nit” from the word “knit” is a whole different kettle of fish.  And what is that anyway: a kettle of fish?

Now, let’s take the word “wit:” defined as someone with a sharp sense of humour, a player of words perhaps.  As in “that man possesses wit.  He has a sharp mind.” But then add the letter “t” before the “w” and you have “twit.”  Or, combine the word “nit” with the word “wit” and you have a “nitwit.” But “nit” and “twit” together does not sound quite right – “nit-twit?”

Nonetheless, given that a “nit” is already defined as a stupid person, and “wit” is someone who has a sharp mind, then “nitwit” defiles all logic in a descriptive sense except perhaps to define someone who possesses a stupid “wit” – which in itself is oxymoronic.  But “dimwit” already has that locked up.  Yet what is really frustrating about the undercurrent of this word is that “dimwit” is the opposite of someone who has a sharp “wit.”   So, that being the case, let’s call him or her a “blunt-sharp” person!

To make matters worse a “twit” could be someone who has a sharp “wit,” and is still a “nitwit” or a “dimwit.”  So why can’t we call him or her a nit-twit?  Or a “dim-twit”?  The bottom line is that “nitwit” or “dimwit” sounds better.  The other bottom line is that English words are just downright confusing without context and a shared understanding of the contextual environment we are communicating in.

Words can mean different things to many different people.  It is how we shape them, construct them, and construe them that are key to our success in using them.  Timing may be one thing but context is everything. Take my word for it.  You’ll be surprised at how much fun words can be.  You’ll be truly amazed at your wordiness.

 Oh yeah, and I remember my Italian uncle declaring to his Italian spouse: Hey Flora. Let’s go to the big city and have some fauna – hey? Groan

 You have my word on it.

 * Excerpt from my book: “I Thought I’d Died and Gone to Heaven” $9.95, includes shipping and handling