My wife calls me little Joe. You know, that guy from Li’l Abner who walks around all the time with a cloud over his head:
Joe…I can’t pronounce his last name…Joe Btfsplk
I am not sure this is a correct description of me but consider this:
When I drive somewhere I hit almost every red light. It gets worse if I am late for something or I am in a hurry;
If things are bad, when I am around, they are really bad;
If I pick the shortest line at a checkout it is sure to be the longest wait;
I always get stuck beside an elderly woman who is trying to make change with the cashier with pennies that she has trouble finding in her change purse;
I always seem to find the cashier who cannot count or make change without a calculator;
When I want to go golfing it is sure to rain. But when I realize this and I prepare for rain, it is always sunny – and I am sweating in my rain gear;
When I go sailing there is no wind. When I try to flash up the outboard engine because there is no wind, it never starts. When I take down the sails, the wind pipes up;
My lawn mower won’t start. So, I take it in for repairs and when the technician pulls the cord, it starts immediately;
When I go into the passing lane with my car, the inside lane, curb side, goes faster;
I always get stuck behind the guy doing 10 miles below the speed in the inside lane. When I try to go around him in the passing lane…well…the inside lane starts to pass me…again, as the guy going below the speed limits turns at the next exit!;
When I go to the pool after not being there for some time, it is down for annual maintenance. When it finally opens and I do go, some dumb little shyte, drops a “sweet marie” in the shallow end. Out of the pool everyone;
People do things in moderation so I can do them in excess;
In accordance with my law of physics whenever I do some action there is always an opposite and equal reaction;
I am put on hold all of the time;
When I go into a line for (insert service here) there is always a group of people ahead of me. Yet when it is finally my turn for service, there is never anyone behind me and then the clerk puts up her “closed” sign. So I stand in line, get to the front…it is my turn…then closed…repeat!;
Whenever I have a group BBQ over at my home, rest assured that the propane tank will be empty. And if I preplan and ensure that the tank has enough gas rest assured assured (again), that the regulator will be tits up;
When I put on a tee shirt it is always backward. And, when I know this and take precautions by turning the tee around before I put it on it will always be put on backwards;
No matter how I take precautions I always spill some food on my clean tee or on my clean shirt. If I take precautions by wearing a bib it will bite my ass by spilling something onto my tee or shirt when I take the bib off;
I remember playing roulette. I observed at first: red, then red, red and then red again. So I played red and it came up black. I played black even and it came up red odd. What are the odds of that?;
Theory is the bane of my learning experience, practically speaking in my case;
Last November I went to Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, it was great….no lineups. I showed them!;
In spite of everything, people say that I am a wise fool. I other words, I am an oxy moron!;
I went into an organic health food store the other day and picked up a case of shingles; and
In that same health food store I also got sick to my stomach.
I pull into a gas station with 16 pumps, half of which are available. I pick one, get out of my car only to find out that the pump I selected is out of service. By the time I got back in my car to move, all of the other available pumps are taken;
A local college asked me to take an aptitude and skills test. I agreed and took the test. The results came back and indicated that I was “good for nothing.” I wasn’t fussed about it at all, as all of my teachers in school said the same thing about me. I thrive on consistency. In my case…BAD;
One time I had to go really, really bad. I rushed into the men’s room and there before me were four stalls. I picked one but…yes…you guessed it…it was out of service and two others were plugged. Just as I was about to enter the last one some dude beat me to it;
Her glass is half full, his is half empty. But mine? Well, it broke into a million shards; and
But that’s ok for if it wasn’t for bad luck I would have no luck at all;
It’s not so bad being me in my self deprecating style!
By the way, Li’l Abner was launched in 1909 and continued until 1979. It survived two world wars, the great depression, dust bowl and many other catastrophes. In that regard I don’t seem to have it all that bad.
Out!
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