From the weird and wonderful Climate Change file:
“Hey Jay, what’s a shakin today?”
“British Columbia is going to ban cow flatulence George”
“What’s flatulence Jay?”
“Cow farts George. They are going to ban cow farts in British Columbia to save the planet! And then Ottawa. Natural gas George, Natural gas.”
“No kidding. You’re ribbing me Jay!”
“I can’t make this stuff up George. Next they’ll ban people from taking more than one breath a minute in order to reduce CO2 emissions. When that occurs you’ll be seeing a whole lot of people walking around Vancouver with puffed out cheeks – both above and below the waist! Holding their breaths and holding their asses. It’s insane George but I’m really happy about this because I won’t have to listen to these Moonbats anymore. Especially the pompous ones like David Eby lecturing me on how to live.”
“Wow, something sure stinks in the state of BC Jay”
“That’s Denmark George. Something smells in the state of Denmark.”
“It does? They banned cow farts there too Jay?”
“But the Moonbats in BC defend their actions by saying that people laughed at Noah too. With his ark George”
“Can you imagine the stink on that ark George? But then again the methane probably kept the water levels at bay by keeping that ark afloat and warm. And when the flooding was almost over somebody, Noah perhaps, lit a torch when he went down into the hold on that ark to see and hear and smell what the fuss, racket and stink was all about. Then, like the burning bush, KA-BOOM, that ark went up in an catechismic explosion.”
“Holy shit” Noah was heard to say, but in deference to his Lord, the supreme being.
“The Old Testament’s proverbial shit hit the fan-tail of that ark George.”
“Is that where the proverb Ship.High.In.Transit. comes from Jay? Noah’s ark?”
“Perhaps George but I don’t know for certain. Could be. But it’s probably why no one has found Noah’s ark today. The methane explosion ripped that ark into a gazillion pieces, spread all across the ancient world I would think.”
“Oh yeah, and forced childbirth is the single biggest cause of global warming. I kid you not George. Must be in the grunts and the groans and the flatulence from where those labour intensive green house gas emissions come from.”
“Women are giving birth in a greenhouse these days Jay?”
“Arctic melting will cause severe flooding on the shores of Greenland George!”
“Eureka, George”
“You don’t smell all that well yourself Jay.”
No, no, no George. Eureka! Eureka. You know -as in Archimedes and his principle, Eureka. That an object will displace its own weight in water. Arctic ice, it floats, but when it melts the water level in the Arctic Ocean remains the same. But the Moonbats out there will not believe this law of physics and will state categorically and adamantly that Archimedes and his principle are coming to you from Big Oil.
“Oh and one more thing George. Global Warming will wipe out breakfast cereals by 2070”
“That’s okay cause I like my cereal cold anyway Jay, so I’m not worried.”
“That’s the least of your worries George”
“Man, we are doomed!”
From the Craziness File:
“Thief allegedly steals up to $179,000 in gold coins and gold pucks from the Canadian mint by stuffing them, or so the mint suggests, up his ass, then walking out. Probably got the idea and motivation from the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”
“Wow. And the mint claims that they have a suspect and that as far as they are concerned the puck stopped there! Holy anal retentiveness George. Holy shit! That guy’s got balls and one helleva rectum, if he is found guilty of course, which he hasn’t.”
“That’s one helluva job Jay, one helluva job bringing that in!”
From the Oxymoronic File:
“Safe Injection Sites are springing up everywhere across Canada George.”
“Ban flatulence in cows, and in humans too, as it really is Natural Gas, isn’t it Jay?!”
“You bet George”
“200 protesters recently protesting the latest LNG proposition in B.C. then hopping into their SUVs, pickup trucks and cars for the drive home.”
“Protesters protesting a proposed new cell tower in the local countryside all the while talking on their cell phones to get more protesters out to protest the new cell tower’s construction.”
_____________
“Bit of trivia George. How many falls are there in Klamath Falls Oregon?How many huh, huh?”
“Dunno Jay. How many?” One set of falls perhaps?”
“Nope, none George. There are no falls in Klamath Falls Oregon.”
Quote of the week
“Militancy is great – for pacifists”
“Until next time George”
Shakey Jay out of sight, out of mind and out of here.
Check out my books in the links above. Great reads at cheap prices. Available in audio format.
And now for some Natural…erm…Classical Gas
![Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul are posing for a picture: Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul attend the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards at the Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles on Aug. 25, 2014.]({"default":"//img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AAE5JIf.img?h=373&w=624&m=6&q=60&o=f&l=f&x=1219&y=737"} "Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul attend the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards at the Nokia Theatre L.A. Live i... - John Shearer/Invision/AP/Shutterstock")
Love the man-bun though.