On A Lighter Side

“Hey Shakey Jay, what’s a shakin today?

“Well let’s see George: Quite a bit actually

“California and Canada are  going to ban cow flatulence George”

“What’s flatulence Jay?”

“Cow farts George. They are going to ban cow farts in California to save the planet! I can’t make this stuff up George. Next they’ll ban people from taking more than one breath a minute in order to reduce CO2 emissions. You’ll be seeing a whole lot of people walking around LA and Toronto with puffed out cheeks – both above and below the waist! Holding their breaths and holding their asses. It’s insane George but I’m really happy about this because I won’t have to listen to these Moonbats anymore. Especially the pompous ones like Trudeau lecturing me on how to live as they accept their awards then fly off to their holiday retreats in Cuba.”

“Wow, something sure stinks in the state of California and Ottawa Jay”

“That’s Denmark George. Something smells in the state of Denmark.”

“It does? They banned cow farts there too Jay?”

“But the Moonbats in California defend their actions by saying that people laughed at Noah too. With his ark George”

“Can you imagine the stink on that ark George? But then again the methane probably kept the water levels at bay by keeping that ark afloat and warm. And when the flooding was almost over somebody, Noah perhaps, lit a torch when he went down into the hold on that ark to see and hear and smell what the fuss, racket and stink was all about. Then, like the burning bush, KA-BOOM, that ark went up and exploded into about a millions splinters.

“Holy shit” Noah was heard to say, but in deference to his Lord, the supreme being and not in vain.

“The Old Testament’s proverbial shit hit the fan-tail of that ark George.”

“Is that where the proverb Ship.High.In.Transit. comes from Jay? Noah’s ark?”

“Perhaps George but I don’t know for certain. Could be. But it’s probably why no one has found Noah’s ark today. The methane explosion ripped that ark into a gazillion pieces, spread all across the ancient world I would think.”

“Oh yeah, and forced childbirth is the single biggest cause of global warming George. I kid you not. Must be in the grunts and the groans and flatulence from where those labouring green house gas emissions come from”

“Women are giving birth in a greenhouse these days Jay?”

“Man, we are doomed!”

“Thief allegedly steals up to $179,000 in gold coins and pucks from the Canadian mint by stuffing them, or so the mint suggests, the coins and pucks up his ass, then walking out. Probably got the idea and motivation from the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”

“Wow. And the mint claimed that they have a suspect and that as far as they are concerned the puck stopped there! Holy anal retentiveness George. Holy shit! That guy’s got balls and one helleva rectum

“Hey George, I was in a Tapa Bar the other night. Saw a sign there that said Black Olives Matter. It was a profound statement George. Profound! But, you know what?  In a Tapa Bar they really do…matter!”

“Arctic melting will cause severe flooding on the shores of Greenland George!

“Eureka, George”

“You don’t smell all that well yourself Jay.”

“No, no, no George. Eureka! Eureka. You know -as in Archimedes and his Principle Eureka. That an object will displace its own weight in water. Arctic ice, it floats but when it melts the water level in the Arctic Ocean remains the same.  But the Moonbats out there will not believe this law of physics and will state categorically and adamantly that Archimedes and his principle are coming to you from Big Oil.

“Oxymoronic Safe Injection Sites are springing up everywhere across Canada George.”

“Ban flatulence in cows, and in humans too, as it really is Natural Gas, isn’t it Jay?!”

“You bet George”

“200 protesters recently protesting the latest LNG proposition then hopping into their SUVs, pickup trucks and cars for the drive home.”

“Protesters protesting a proposed new cell tower in the local countryside all the while talking on their cell phones to get more protesters out to protest the new cell tower’s construction.”

“Bit of trivia George:”

“How many falls are there in Klamath Falls Oregon, Huh, huh?”

“Dunno Jay, May be one set of falls”

“Nope, there’s none George. There are no falls in Klamath Falls Oregon.”

“Wow, who knew!?”

Quote of the week

“Militancy is great – for pacifists”

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