Category: Weirdness and Craziness

The Trudeau Government or the Devil’s Brigade

From the CBC files (Oct 24 2016):

Minister of health wants to change the food guide… code for I know what’s best for Canadians…she doesn’t.

Health Minister Jane Philpott said the “iconic” Canada Food Guide has not kept up with the country’s changing demographics and lifestyles…Code for we have to control everything Canadian’s eat.

Philpott said the guide must be “relevant and practical” and provide advice for Canadians whether they are shopping at the grocery store or looking at a restaurant menu. It must be individualized and adaptable for food preferences and sensitivities, she said…. because we Canadians are soooo stupid!

Sasha McNicoll, co-ordinator of the Coalition for Healthy School Food, urged the federal government to fund a school food program in every school in the country as a way to ensure kids are eating nutritious food… because, you know, their parents are pigging out on Doritos;

“I think it’s only fair for the people who are selling food to be able to have opportunity to comment in terms of what the impact might be on them,” she said….ah yes the “transparency” word again.

“But they will not have impact on the advice given in the guide…”  say what? That’s like saying we’re going to ban candy bars while legalizing marijuana.  Are we sooo stupid as a society here in Canada. Are they serious.

A group representing the sector said the industry is already taking steps to encourage Canadians to make more informed, healthy food choices, and said it is “keen” to ensure further steps are taken…like making a turnip taste like a Mars Bar.

Philpott said the Healthy Canada strategy has three pillars:

• Healthy minds, including new initiatives to improve mental health…Hey man, I just read a book called the Stoner’s Life. It’s Canada’s guide to healthy toking;
• Healthy living, including promotion of physical activity and fitness and new rules to deter smoking and vaping… I know what you’re thinkin Virginia, but takin Marijuana is not smoking, it’s tokin; and
• Healthy eating, including the updated food guide and new labelling and marketing rules…for the Canadian Weed Guide…hey man can I have a toke.

“It can improve their health and it can improve their education outcomes,” she told CBC News. “An investment now can help children develop better eating habits into adulthood and that will hopefully save in health-care costs down the road.”…like, because, like, their parents are like sooo stupid y’know and like haven’t a clue, so we, like, have to step in and like save them from themselves whether they like it or not! Like y’know what I mean man…like c’mon pass the weed man.

We are doomed. The Devil’s Brigade is at it again.

Don’t you know:

1. Climate change is a  feminist movement. Why, because it’s always changing man…..;
2. Carbon is a transgendered element of the Periodic Table. It is stuck between that borion “B” and that nitrogen-der;
3. Cow farts and flatulence contributes to Global Warming and is therefore a masculine threat. Why? Because women never, ever fart. And if they do their farts never stink. It must be stamped out immediately. See #1 above;
4. The other day an activist told me that Archimedes worked for big oil. This was in response to a discussion I had with him that he needn’t worry about major flooding and sea level rising if the Arctic Ice Cap melts
5. Eureka! The Arctic Ice Cap is not melting. It’s expanding. It must be a feminist movement as well. “Am I getting bigger. Do I look fat to you honey?;
6. Global Warming causes hot summer weather;
7. Global Warming causes cold, frigid winter weather;
8. Frigidity is a feminist movement and must be stamped out at all costs;
9. Global cooling is therefore, a feminist threat, and must be met with #3 above;
10. Under peer review, as temperatures rise the warming effects of global warming will offset the cooling effects of global cooling as a result of the global warming. Got that? Yeah? cool! Chill man, er woman, er ne, ve or ze, er wo…oops…man
11. Pesticides found in Marijuana! Ban marijuana now before it kills us;
12. Pot for kids! Ban pot now because you can’t call the kettle back;
13. Under the new marijuana legislation, every pot has a lid man, er women, er ne,ve or ze!;
14. Heaven help us if the kids are our future…see #12 above;
15. Hooray for natural gas…see #3 above.
16. Liquid natural gas? Well a good dose of Keopectate will take care of that;
17. Greenpeace and US activists protest First Nation sponsored aqua-culture…What?;
18. Ne, Ve or Ze. Clockwork Oranges.
19. Smoking kills but smoking pot is alright man. It’s out of sight, out of mind, and out of body; and
20. Thank God that I will be dead soon…see #s 19,14 and 12 above.

Madness!

“Hey Jay, what’s a shakin today?”

“Well let’s see George. Quite a bit actually

From the weird and wonderful Climate Change file:

“California is going to ban cow flatulence George”

“What’s flatulence Jay?”

“Cow farts George. They are going to ban cow farts in California to save the planet!”

“No kidding. You’re ribbing me Jay!”

“I can’t make this stuff up George. Next they’ll ban people from taking more than one breath a minute in order to reduce CO2 emissions. When that occurs you’ll be seeing a whole lot of people walking around LA with puffed out cheeks – both above and below the waist! Holding their breaths and holding their asses. It’s insane George but I’m really happy about this because I won’t have to listen to these Moonbats anymore. Especially the pompous ones lecturing me on how to live as they accept their awards then fly off to their holiday retreats.”

“Wow, something sure stinks in the state of California Jay”

“That’s Denmark George. Something smells in the state of Denmark.”

“It does? They banned cow farts there too Jay?”

“But the Moonbats in California defend their actions by saying that people laughed at Noah too. With his ark George”

“Can you imagine the stink on that ark George? But then again the methane probably kept the water levels at bay by keeping that ark afloat and warm. And when the flooding was almost over somebody, Noah perhaps, lit a torch when he went down into the hold on that ark to see and hear and smell what the fuss, racket and stink was all about. Then, like the burning bush, KA-BOOM, that ark went up in an catechismic explosion.”

“Holy shit” Noah was heard to say, but in deference to his Lord, the supreme being.

“The Old Testament’s proverbial shit hit the fan-tail of that ark George.”

“Is that where the proverb Ship.High.In.Transit. comes from Jay? Noah’s ark?”

“Perhaps George but I don’t know for certain. Could be. But it’s probably why no one has found Noah’s ark today. The methane explosion ripped that ark into a gazillion pieces, spread all across the ancient world I would think.”

“Oh yeah, and forced childbirth is the single biggest cause of global warming. I kid you not George. Must be in the grunts and the groans and the flatulence from where those labour intensive green house gas emissions come from”

“Women are giving birth in a greenhouse these days Jay?”

“Arctic melting will cause severe flooding on the shores of Greenland George!”

“Eureka, George”

“You don’t smell all that well yourself Jay.”

No, no, no George. Eureka! Eureka. You know -as in Archimedes and his Principle, Eureka. That an object will displace its own weight in water. Arctic ice, it floats, but when it melts the water level in the Arctic Ocean remains the same.  But the Moonbats out there will not believe this law of physics and will state categorically and adamantly that Archimedes and his principle are coming to you from Big Oil.

“Oh and one more thing George. Global Warming will wipe out breakfast cereals by 2070”

“That’s okay cause I like my cereal cold anyway Jay, so I’m not worried.”

“That’s the least of your worries George”

“Man, we are doomed!”

From the Craziness File:

“Thief allegedly steals up to $179,000 in gold coins and gold pucks from the Canadian mint by stuffing them, or so the mint suggests, up his ass, then walking out. Probably got the idea and motivation from the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”

“Wow. And the mint claims that they have a suspect and that as far as they are concerned the puck stopped there! Holy anal retentiveness George. Holy shit! That guy’s got balls and one helleva rectum, if he is found guilty of course, which he hasn’t.”

“That’s one helluva job Jay, one helluva job bringing that in!”

From the Oxymoronic File:

“Safe Injection Sites are springing up everywhere across Canada George.”

“Ban flatulence in cows, and in humans too, as it really is Natural Gas, isn’t it Jay?!”

“You bet George”

“200 protesters recently protesting the latest LNG proposition in B.C. then hopping into their SUVs, pickup trucks and cars for the drive home.”

“Protesters protesting a proposed new cell tower in the local countryside all the while talking on their cell phones to get more protesters out to protest the new cell tower’s construction.”

_____________

“Bit of trivia George. How many falls are there in Klamath Falls Oregon?How many huh, huh?”

“Dunno Jay. How many?” One set of falls perhaps?”

“Nope, none George. There are no falls in Klamath Falls Oregon.”

Quote of the week

“Militancy is great – for pacifists”

 

“Until next time George”

Shakey Jay…..out

Sorry, I was away yesterday thus no post.

Words!  What is in a word?  My kingdom for a word!  A horse it may be but a horse is only a word that by any other name is still a word. Words declare wars, they garner peace. Words can be hurtful, they can be playful. Words describe words as in spiteful words, hurtful words, insightful words.  We can have a war of words, crosswords or them’s fightin words. Words can be theatrical:  we can have a play on words. Word is law.  It is the word. Words are prophetic. Words can be the gospel truth. So sayeth the word of the Lord. Words inspire, they transpire. Words transcribe: you have my word on that. Failing that, can I have a word with you? But words are not enough. That’s why we have lawyers. Words can also be despotic, or chaotic. A single word can inspire poetry, lyricism.

We can combine words to make quotable quotes: some profound, some sublime, some simplistic, some stupidly clear:

 “To be or not to be – that is the question.” That may be but on Jeopardy it is the answer!

 “If things are good in moderation then they must be great in excess.”  My favourite.

Yet words are not enough when communicating.  Context and understanding are crucial. Without context confusion arises to the point of ridiculousness.  Let me try to illustrate this by something that I learned in school:

Take the word “nit.” The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines “nit” as a stupid person, a louse.  Then add the letter “k” before the “n” and you have “knit.” Yet the word “nit” from the word “knit” is a whole different kettle of fish.  And what is that anyway: a kettle of fish?

Now, let’s take the word “wit:” defined as someone with a sharp sense of humour, a player of words perhaps.  As in “that man possesses wit.  He has a sharp mind.” But then add the letter “t” before the “w” and you have “twit.”  Or, combine the word “nit” with the word “wit” and you have a “nitwit.” But “nit” and “twit” together does not sound quite right – “nit-twit?”

Nonetheless, given that a “nit” is already defined as a stupid person, and “wit” is someone who has a sharp mind, then “nitwit” defiles all logic in a descriptive sense except perhaps to define someone who possesses a stupid “wit” – which in itself is oxymoronic.  But “dimwit” already has that locked up.  Yet what is really frustrating about the undercurrent of this word is that “dimwit” is the opposite of someone who has a sharp “wit.”   So, that being the case, let’s call him or her a “blunt-sharp” person!

To make matters worse a “twit” could be someone who has a sharp “wit,” and is still a “nitwit” or a “dimwit.”  So why can’t we call him or her a nit-twit?  Or a “dim-twit”?  The bottom line is that “nitwit” or “dimwit” sounds better.  The other bottom line is that English words are just downright confusing without context and a shared understanding of the contextual environment we are communicating in.

Words can mean different things to many different people.  It is how we shape them, construct them, and construe them that are key to our success in using them.  Timing may be one thing but context is everything. Take my word for it.  You’ll be surprised at how much fun words can be.  You’ll be truly amazed at your wordiness.

 Oh yeah, and I remember my Italian uncle declaring to his Italian spouse: Hey Flora. Let’s go to the big city and have some fauna – hey? Groan

 You have my word on it.

 * Excerpt from my book: “I Thought I’d Died and Gone to Heaven” $9.95, includes shipping and handling