Woman

Had a great talk with a friend of mine today – somewhat of a philosopher, and his take on women and what makes for a very successful relationship.

Over a few beers……….

“What do ya know about women anyway, Shakeyjay?” he says to me

“Not too much.” I says

“Do you know what makes for a great, long lasting relationship.?

I just shrugged.

“No, what” I says, curious now.

“Silence! Silence, on your part Shakeyjay. While your woman is nattering on to you, you say nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing… nada.”

“Say what?” says I

“Not say what. You say nothing. And I mean nothing.

“You just sit there while she rambles on. You smile, just smile, nod your head once in awhile, smile again while she goes on but under no circumstances do you say anything. Anything! Nothing at all. Do you understand me?

“Really.” I said. “I don’t think I can do that. Just sit there silently, with a broad smile on my face, but saying nothing.”

“Well, yes, it does take some getting used to. Some discipline on your part.”

He went on…….

“You see…while she is rambling on to you, unbeknownst to her, every single thing she is saying is going in one of your ears and coming out the other. Nothing, and I mean nothing, no word that she mouths or says is caught up in there – between your ears I mean – to cause or stir a single rational thought on your part. No brain matter to understand or dissect whatever she says. You cannot rationalize irrationality of expression. You know that. And that is what it is. And the very neat part of all of this is that it just becomes white noise after a while. But that takes a great deal of practice and experience.

“Wow.” I said

“Yes, and this is the best part of all. While she is going on about who knows what you just smile at her knowing full well that as she rambles on you can go to that wonderful safe place of yours. You know – the golf course, the pub, the poker game, the stag party, out with your mates. Well just about anything or anywhere your heart desires and she will not be the worst for wear – just as long as you keep smiling at her.

“Oh and if you do detect a pause in her banter, just say ‘mmm hmmm'”

“But do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances look directly at her. Because a real danger exists that as she carries on with her feminist mumble jumble your eyes may glaze over while you are transfixed into that safe space of yours, you know, your happy place. They can pick up on that immediately. Usually what comes next is: ‘are you listening to a single word I am saying?’ Be careful of that.

“All you have to say is: “Yes dear.” But if you have the periodic ‘ummm hmmm’ down pat she will never detect your indifference.

“I am telling you Shakeyjay that this works wonders. She will admire you. She will tell all of her friends just how wonderful, how understanding you are. What a great listener you are and, and this is the best part, she will give you just about anything your heart desires.”

“Really, you mean, like beer?”

“Anything. And the second best part of all of this is that you will never be caught in a lie because you have absolutely no idea of what she was talking about in the first place. So you cannot lie about something you have no idea about.”

“Wow. And women think they know us but they don’t, really! We will always have the last word”

“I am going to try that. I’ll let ya know how it goes.”

“SHAKEYJAY!” my woman shrieked.

Yes dear.

“GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP HERE….NOW.”

Yes….Woman.

PS: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.

Have a great day.

SJ………………….Out.