Category: A Very Short Story

From the Short Story Vault

Grannie was a Trannie!

Can’t wait! Only 73 more sleeps and the Maldives will be the biggest reef on the planet – so says the UN. See, these Maldivians are really, really worried. Get out now, while you still can.

Before Hugh Hefner’s body can even get cold, Playboy has its first transgendered person on its cover, or undercover. Geesh. I guess they couldn’t wait for Hugh’s demise to undercover this one. I am sure every  hot-blooded male is salivating. Will young bucks everywhere still be hiding this mag under their sheets. Should be called Playboy or Playgirl or Playzir, Playzey or Playzits or Play Doctor or Play He-man Nurse or Play abcdefghijklimnopqrstuvwx and y and z chromosome.  Perhaps Playdope. Love this post:

“So Playboy’s first tranny does all these circus level contortions to hide it’s junk and man hands. It isn’t natural to men to try and pose in such ways. Women have some sort of animal ability to control their body and pivot their body parts in a sensual way. Trannies don’t have this ability which is why they look like they have a hernia or a broken back in photos such as the example of the Playboy clunker. What’s next? Grannies I heard.

It’s all just tricks as they want you to focus on a heavily Photoshopd face and long hair to make you even think for a split second that you are not looking at a freakazoid.”  So true, at least that is what I have heard. Honest!    Geesh!

And this: “North Carolina’s Dem. Gov. Calls For Judge To Allow Men In Women’s Bathroom.” Geesh. What is all the fuss about. When you have to go really, really bad the brain doesn’t give two shits about the stool one has to play with to take a load off.. Is the lid up or down? Who gives a crap. X or Y be damned. I have to go and I am going here….NOW!

Turd-ope’s new tax laws for small businesses? bah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. That’s a good one. Seems that the new tax grab will end up costing the government more money as they decide to lessen the load on small businesses to 9%, which means they have to give back more money than they had hoped to take in….bah hahahahahahahahahahahahah. This means that the average guy and gal, us, those middle class wankers will be screwed yet again because it is our money that the government has to use to give these guys a break. Liberal tax plan is all smoke and mirrors. hahahahahahahahahahahahah. Next up? Liberalizing weed which is code again to shaft the middle class. Being stoned all the time it is hoped that the general public will not know or care that they are being shafted. See, I told you this new math was for real. All governments are adopting it:

The 3,700-year-old Babylonian tablet Plimpton 322 at the Rare Book and Manuscript Library at Columbia University in New York.Liberal tax plan is based on the discovery of the new math: 1 + 1 = 3!

 

The Hunt for the Brain-Eating Amoebas of Yellowstone…where is Yogi Bear when you need him!

From the I failed Geography in school file comes this nugget: “Germany will not go the nuclear route for clean power in fear of Tsunami’s wiping them out” Give your head a shake Merkel!

Legalizing Marijuana. This just in from Colorado: “In 2012, we were promised funds from marijuana taxes would benefit our communities, particularly schools. Dr. Harry Bull, the Superintendent of Cherry Creek Schools, one of the largest school districts in the state, said, “So far, the only thing that the legalization of marijuana has brought to our schools has been marijuana.”  Yes but student enrollment is way down therefore the education cost per student had decreased substantially. “This is a win, win situation for our school board’s bottom lines.” One official snorted, then coughed, his eye balls ablaze. But on the positive side sales of Doritos in our school’s cafeterias have skyrocketed

Boy Scouts checking out girls by allowing girls to be Boy Scouts. Yeah, that’ll work! Heard in passing that the boys can’t wait for the next sleepover!

Bernie Sanders Economic Plan: “Sure, you’ll all pay more taxes…but you’ll get more free stuff. It’s all boils down to the collective, don’t you know!”

 

Crazy days.

 

 

SJ…………………..Out…………..have a great weekend.

 

PS: daylight is getting shorter here in Mill Bay, which means that I wake up later so my posts will be coming on-line later in the mornings.

 

Nature’s Gas!

71 days until the Maldives disappear. UN sources on Global Warming

Image result for pics of maldives beachesYou’re going to need those watercraft – for sure!

Canada cannot tell us what to wear. Perhaps, but they’re trying to tell us everything else we can or cannot do. Interesting that the new NDP leader, a Sikh, is against this Quebec Bill that will ban anyone from wearing a Gurkha, oops Freudian Slip, a Burkha,  or other religious garb. So, would that include this:

Image result for pics of priestsOr this:

Image result for pics of the popeWhat’s he smoking? Heard that this Pope advised Trudeau on his new initiative to legalize marijuana. It’s the spiritual thing to do man. The Pope was heard to say.

Trudeau was asked about this new controversial legislation coming from Quebec. He was coy about the whole matter although he seemed to have won the 2015 erection, oops that Freudian Slip again, on this very issue saying that Canada supports the Burkha. Liberal MP Iqra Khalid, who sponsored a motion known as M-103 to condemn Islamophobia, was brief. “I think that no person should be told how to dress or how not to dress, and that’s about it,” she told reporters. Okay, have a look at the new special ops uniform for the military. How’s this working for you.

Hey, it’s a free and open society, isn’t it?

Hey it’s all identity politics now-a-days. Not what’s good for the country but what’s good for the LGBTABC…………………s of the nation.

Japanese scientists discover huge Man Cave… oops Moon cave – on Mars? Say what?

Japan scientists say they have discovered a 31-mile-long underground tunnel on the moon that could help protect astronauts from huge swings in temperature and damaging radiation: Japan scientists say they have discovered a 31-mile-long underground tunnel on the moon.

“Trump is worse than Hitler.” This bit of journalistic fluff reported by Newsweek. Is this rag of a mag still operating?  Yeah, we’re going to believe anything that comes out of the mouth of this guy:

People watch a live television program showing North Korean leader Kim Jong Un salutes during a parade in Pyongyang, North Korea, at the Seoul train station in Seoul, South Korea, Saturday, April 15, 2017. This just in: “Anna Faris is dating again after split from Chris Pratt.” Oh, that makes my day. I have only this to say: ” Who the F*&K is Anna Faris and why should we give two S*&Ts about who or what she is dating?”

Climate Sensitivity Graph! Yeah, That’ll do it. Do What exactly? Further our understanding of the whole Climate Change thingy, that’s what!

“UK county denies taxpayer-funded surgery for smokers and the obese”(Rebel). A slippery slope that is soon to come to Canada’s health care system. But hey, free samples of weed will be given out to those turned away so that they can tune out. But hey, don’t fret because in this country you can now identify as a woman, or a man, blow weed and kill nana if she is annoying you. Progressive’s regressive I would dare to say!

This just in from the Moonbat State – California. A third gender category will soon be the law of the Mooonbat land. Binary, as in Non Binary. Binary – is a mathematical term relating to the numeral two, as in a man and a woman. Non Binary means noting or relating to a person with a gender identity or sexual orientation that does not fit into the male/female or heterosexual/homosexual divisions…………Oh you mean Eunuch?

Furthermore: “The establishment of Harems is on the increase in the Moonbat State. Governor Brown is sexstatic”…oops that Freudian Slip again…ecstatic about the whole affair. Computer Scientists and Mathematicians are all in a titzy…oops tizzy fit.. about the whole binary thingy.

This bit of journalistic fluff: “What’s Boko Haram’s Real Name?” Oh you mean the guys that wrote and played this:

Oh those other guys, you mean.

There is a boom in America’s natural gas. Changing world markets. This is being led by California’s flatulence level legislation in that all citizens are only allowed to breath for a minute out of every 5 minutes to cut back on CO2 levels. Unintended consequence here was a dramatic rise in “farts”… nature’s most natural gas!

 

 

SJ…………………………….Out

 

Frustration Too

Frustration! That sinking feeling when nothing seems to go according to Hoyle.

And who is that guy Hoyle anyway?

Yet, as much as we try to rectify a situation or make ourselves understood, for whatever reason, we just fall farther and farther and farther into a bottomless pit. No matter how hard we try to dig ourselves out, with every shovelful of dirt, the deeper and deeper we sink into the quagmire.

Is there anything we can do about this?

In my humble opinion there is nothing that can be done. Oh yes, I have checked with leading psychologists and they all tell me that it is just a natural everyday occurrence of life.  Indeed, the local Manotick astrologist tells me that the stars are sometimes aligned against us. It is better just to accept our fate, go with the flow, and disengage until things get better.
I found myself in a frustrating situation a few weeks back that illustrates just what I mean. Consider this:

Once a week I buy my lunch at work, usually on a Wednesday. And I normally go for the cholesterol fix of a greasy burg with cheese and bacon and a side order of onion rings. Now this concoction comes to about $5.75 with tax.  It has been the same price for months.

One Wednesday I wandered down to the cafeteria, checked my money, and noticing that I had only about 6 bucks, decided to order my usual. When the order came up I moseyed on up to the cash and waited for my turn to pay. The cashier, a rather petite French Canadian girl, took my order, rang it in, and told me I owed her $6.50. Just a little surprised and somewhat embarrassed because I was short of funds, and, knowing the price from past purchases, I told her that she must have made a mistake.

“No, says she, That,” pointing to my order, “is the Banquet Burger Special. $6.50 please.”

“What special?” says I

“Banquet burger, fries or onion rings and a drink.” She said

“But I don’t have a drink.” I countered

“Well, get one” she says.

“But I don’t want one. Tell you what. Just ring in the banquet burger and an order of onion rings.”

“I can’t do that” she said. “You have the special and you owe me $6.50.”
Incensed, and totally frustrated, knowing full well that the line was getting longer.

I could feel the customers behind me. Their eyeful stares felt like daggers and their exaggerated sighs and harrumphs seemed to be burning a rather large hole in my back.

My blood boiling, I left the line and went back to the short order cook.  I checked the menu: Banquet Burger – $3.25, Onion Rings – $1.50.  With tax about $5.50. The special? – Banquet Burger, Fries or Onion Rings and a Large Drink – $5.95, with tax – about $6.50.

I waited in line and when the cook asked for my order I showed him mine and told him that I only wanted a Banquet Burger and Onion Rings. Could he please mark my order as such and charge me $4.75.
“Sure.” He said. He took my styro-foam take out box and marked the outside as a Banquet Burger and a side order of Onion Rings – rather than the special. Pleased with myself, I sauntered back to the cashier. She looks at me rather objectionably, looks at the box, then rings up $6.50. I tell her she is making a mistake. Banquet Burger and Onion Rings…only.

“Yes” she says, “the special.”

“No, no, no, says I, rather emphatically. “It is not the special. It is the Banquet Burger and Onion Rings. No drink.”

“Well, get a drink” she says.

“But I DO NOT WANT ONE.”

“I’m sorry, that is the special and you owe me $6.50.”

“Well I am short. I’ll be right back.”

What could I do? My blood was boiling, my blood pressure, well…pressurized. Totally frustrated in not being able to make myself understood, I left the box on the counter and walked briskly over to the cash ATM that we had in our building. I would take out a 20 and pay for the special. What the hell, a buck fifty for a cash advance plus an additional buck fifty that my bank was going to charge me. 3 bucks plus, PLUS the damn special – $9.50 for the Banquet Burger. I was so mad, but I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I would have paid 100 bucks to get out of this predicament. I felt like George Costanza of Seinfeld fame.

To make matters worse the ATM was out of order. Of course it was, on this day and in this moment in time. It was never out of order. Oh yes but it knew, this machine knew, that poor old Shakey was in a predicament. Yes, yes it knew all right.  Paranoia was setting in. I was close to turning postal, and psycho.

I guess some guy noticed my frustration.

“Hey, if you need some money the convenience store will give you a cash advance.”

“Great” I said, trying very hard to keep my cool and my anger checked.
I walked over to the little store and asked very politely but somewhat impatiently for a cash advance.

“Sure,” said the clerk, “But you’ll have to buy something for 5 bucks.”
What?  What’s that you said. 5 bucks??  Hmmmmm. Okay, okay what the hell: chocolate bar, soap, chips, deodorant. Sure, 5 bucks. “Here,”

“Now give me the bleep, bleep money” – I thought to myself.
Money in hand and with a bagful of unwanted goodies, I went back to the cafeteria, picked up my take-out box, went to the cash, gave her 10 bucks and left without waiting for my change. I was afraid at what I would do.

“Hey, don’t you want your drink,” she said.

 

SJ………………………Out

Scary Hairy

76 days until Bye, Bye. So long Maldives: according to the UN that is:

Image result for pics of the maldivesHey you guys, better leave soon or you’ll be treading water for a very long time.

 

If we don’t have enough to worry about comes this:

We are now entering the post antibiotics era. Too many people using them. They are now ineffective. TB coming back with a vengeance, same with Ebola, and the plague and other nasty stuff too nasty to even talk about. Head for the hills I tell you. Stay upwind from a “newfy” fart. It’ll kill ya.

A nasty bug shown here. And I thought it was a satellite picture of the Mississippi delta. Whoa. No this is nasty:

Just bend over and say aaaahhhhhhh!  Ouch.

So we’ll just add this to Climate Change, Global Warming, Yellowstone Volcano Caldera, over population, earthquakes, wildfires, floods, locusts, the bible, Armageddon, Four Horses of the Apocalypse, Revelations, Financial Collapse, Organic Food, Whole Foods, KFC, Trump, etc etc etc. No wonder people are stressed out, just like this guy:

Image result for munchThat is why I do not watch the news anymore. It is all Bull-crap.

“By the way Honey, where are the keys to our bunker!”

Sears Canada is closing. That Canadian mainstay no longer exists. Huge mall parking lots gone. The greenies are ecstatic. With Sears gone at least a million cars will be off the road. “We need more of this, bankruptcies, to further our agenda” one greenie was heard to say. Hey, can I still use my Sears Points?” they added as they were sipping their lattes.

Trump groped somebody. Dems and the WaPo, NYT and the Holly’s Woody in the Morning elite are all in a tizzy over this one. Some big shot in Holly’s Woody in the Morning is jealous. “I am jealous” he remarked as such while having his second Harvey Wallbanger. Same with a late night talk show host who was trying to get one of his skit participants to wrap their mouths around that headline. Also heard from ex guy named Weener who just couldn’t get a grip. While this was going on someone was heard to remark in the background: “I never had sex with that woman.”

Welcome to the green machine: Tesla fires hundreds and hundreds of employees. “Well, all of the subsidies ran out. I just couldn’t make payroll. It’s Trump’s fault I tells ya.”

Markle quits “suits” and skirts all rumours about her impending proposal from Prince Harry. Her socks are all in a knit over this one. Her publicist blew her top when she read about it. “Markle has a leg up on this one.” she added.

BTW, who the F%^K is Markle?

On another note:

Kate reveals the best thing about being a Royal Princess. “Yeah,” says she “I don’t have to work. I can sleep in till noon, and I can be a royal pain in the ass whenever I want to. Life is good!” Princeless!

Kaepernick files suits against the NFL for collusion in keeping him out of football due to his actions of disrespect of the national anthem.

“No, it’s the hair Dude. And those scary eyes”

An ex President’s wife admits in a Brit interview that we, Americans, just elected a guy president who admitted to sexual assault or harassment. “It is widespread and it must be undressed.” Her husband had no comment other than to say: “I never had sexual relations with that woman.” Who? With her?

“Oh but that’s different” the wife said. “He had sex after he was elected, so we had no knowledge of that prior to him being erected, er elected.” she sputtered. “Sorry my Freudian slip needs adjusting.”

Heard in passing at a diverse thought planning meeting. We need  diverse thought to solve problems: “Oh yeah, no way man, oh wait can we do this, no, shit for brains, this was, what’s for lunch, gotta go now. have to take a piss, what’s for supper sweatie, one plus one is three, no new taxes, I hate broccoli, quantum physics, quantum mechanics, me quantum, you idiot How! How about that, I don’t know, wadda you wanna do, oh I don’t know, wadda you wanna do. lets see here…………………………

A successful focus group this diversity thought process wouldn’t you say, or hear. I gotta take a leak……….. see ya.

 

SJ………………………Outta here.