Category: A Very Short Story

From the Short Story Vault

Peanuts

Hey. We Canadians are so smug. We are so much better than those dastardly Americans, or any other country in the world. Consider this:

The US invented Rock n Roll, the automobile, the airplane, the washing machine, the radio, the assembly line, refrigerator, garbage disposal, electric razor, instant camera, jukebox and television.

What did we invent?

Yes, peanut butter. That wonderful gooey concoction every Canadian youth grew up with.

And what did we do with this marvelous invention of ours? Well we banned it from every schoolyard, cafeteria in the country. If we really wanted to invent something we should have come up with an anti-dope to peanut allergies.

Oh yeah, we also invented the zipper. Now that was a great invention, especially to all of us males out there who no longer pissed ourselves when trying to undo those buttons when nature really called, as in RIGHT NOW!

Oh yes, we also invented canola:

See the source imageBeautiful isn’t it. As in Cheeze whiz:

See the source imageor Kraft Dinner

See the source imageKD for short, Canola is also just one molecule shy of being plastic. Canada’s upcoming single use plastic ban has me and many others like me stocking up like survivalists. My basement is going to be full of this stuff. Of course I will stock my garage with Canola Oil to service my car’s lubrication needs or to use it like axel grease when required.

Why are all of these things that are sooo very bad for us…yellow? Why? One of nature’s mysteries I digress.

Glowing in the dark: Oklahoma man allegedly driving stolen vehicle filled with uranium, a rattlesnake, and Kentucky Deluxe Whiskey. What a concoction. Apparently last we heard he was headed for Canada to get some of that radioactive Canola for dessert.

Talk about dumb and dumber: Ocasio-Cortez, that whacko US congresswoman announces a new bill in congress to make the US electoral college tuition-free.

I cannot make this stuff up…really.

Hundreds of blindfolded goats airdropped into Swiss mountain range. Their last words were heard to be Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Hey what’s going on anyway:

Have a great weekend………………..read ya Monday.

SJ…………….Out

Sufferage.

Not much happening today.  News seems to be slow in coming.

Writer’s block. Oh no.

I knew it. Bombardier’s woes in manufacturing rail cars in Tunder Bay By since 1912 is…………..ta da………Trump’s fault. Whew, for a minute there I thought it was climate change to blame.

Who on earth would bring their young children to see a polo match?

a man standing next to a car: Wait, Was the Royal Polo Outing a Genius PR Play? The Royals of course. Geesh. Man oh man, life is tough huh? And look at the size of that SUV. Didn’t Charles say we only had 96 months to live on the planet…..100 months ago…if we didn’t curtail climate change? And what about these guys Charles? Climate change my ass. It’s really horseshit isn’t it?

a person riding a horse in a field: Wait, Was the Royal Polo Outing a Genius PR Play?

Oh this is cute:

John McCallum wearing a suit and tie: McCallum, who was fired as the Canadian ambassador to Beijing for making politically charged comments in January.John McCallum, Canada’s former and fired ambassador to China is now spewing bull-crap to his Chinese buddies and their leader Z’eye Ping that if they want real progress with Canada then they should ensure that Trudeau wins the next election. Hey isn’t this sweet and sour pork barrelling? Foreign meddling. Stick to chicken balls John. They taste way better. And Chinese MSG will really make you go for the gusto.

The US has so called Russian collusion. Canada gets chopsticks and won ton soup. Geesh. It is Trump’s fault…no climate change buddy.

Z’eye Ping had no comment to McCallum’s remarks as he was on the golf course.

Yesterday’s video about the long grass in Dunedin Florida and a homeowners fight with city hall over a $30K grass cutting fine got me to thinking. Victoria city council could make a lot of money enforcing that bylaw on its Victoria residences. They could start by fining themselves for this fire hazard right in the heart of the city.

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It only takes a spark, or lightening, to cause this:

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Victoria does not want to cut its grass due to some unique flora and fauna that might be living among the weeds. I kid you not.

“Hey Flora,” a young hipster Victorian dude was heard to remark. “Lets go down to Victoria’s park and have some fauna among the weeds.” I know…..groan. Hey it’s Thursday.

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Fun among the weeds in Victoria’s Beacon Hill Park. Aaah, our future generation of leaders.

25 of the best dressed celebs. Here is one:

Slide 2 of 26: This Good Place star admits her style is more relaxed than the character she plays (Tahani), and says the most important part of her fashion journey has been learning to love her own body. “Being okay with yourself is the most amazing middle finger to everyone,” she tells Elle. “I wear a bit of makeup and short shorts and high platform boots sometimes… but it’s an eighth of who I am.” See photo on Instagram                                             And another.

Slide 7 of 26: All of the Jonas brothers have an innate sense of style, but it’s 29-year-old Joe that’s become a red-carpet staple thanks to his well-tailored suits and stunning partner (the aforementioned Sophie Turner). “Joe knows there's a difference between understated and boring; with edgy outerwear and a slouchy tee, he hits that minimalistic sweet spot that makes an outfit feel fresh,” notes GQ. See photo on Instagram

Toxic masculinity I would guess but I don’t know about her. Toxic femininity perhaps. Women’s Suffering…er…Sufferage perhaps. Or a guy’s worst nightmare date. Pass the weed man. I need to get stoned.

That girl must be cold. Especially with the air conditioning on.

 

 

Woman’s Sufferage….wait for it….Air Conditioning. I kid you not. This is the latest row among feminists about those dastardly, sexist HVAC dudes. You know. It has been 100 years since the start of women’s Sufferage and a time a century ago when women really had something important to say. Keep this up and it will be another 100 years, maybe more, before they have anything worthwhile to say again. Maybe longer.

Except my girlfriend of course. Sorry babe…just kidding. Honest.

Final beetle is leaving the factory today. Other beetles came out to cheer him or her on:

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Pssst, Shakeyjay. I think they meant these guys:

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Right. Memories. My first car was a 1959 Volkswagen “Punch Buggy.”

Massachusetts wants to change the state’s juvenile age to 21. Hey, age has nothing to do with being a juvenile. My dear late wife used to tell me that all the time.

Have a great day.

SJ…………….Out

Don’t Worry. Be Happy

A new article about Don Cherry and Coaches’ Corner and why he should retire is out there. I am not a fan of Don Cherry primarily because he cannot put two sentences together. He is often times incoherent and is stuck in the 1980’s Boston Bruins past. He is not a sign of the times except maybe bad times. He appears to me from his commentary on TV to have been a bully player. As a player and as a coach he sometimes brings out the worst in many of us. The kids used to love him but that love is now fading like everything else considered to be Maple syrup by the new generation of Canadians. He is way past his best before date. Like Bob Cole, the iconic Maple Leaf’s broadcaster Don’s “jersey” should have been retired a long, long time ago.

On the other hand he is a non apologetic Canadian. Something this country dearly lacks, especially with our political leadership. He is patriotic, loves our military and police forces and instills a sense of Canadian pride that he himself wears on his sleeve. But given his conservative values, views and Canadiana pride you will never, ever see Don Cherry elected into the Hockey Hall of Fame or be nominated to the Order of Canada. A proud Canadian maybe but he is not considered progressive enough for the snotty, smug elitist hierarchy that runs this country. Don Cherry is considered way, way too blue collar for their liking.

I am reading articles now that are putting the Liberals in the lead. How can this be?  What with all of the scandals and corruption out there? Or is this just more media liberal bias? Probably.

Vancouver Pride bans University of British Columbia from participating in the upcoming Pride celebrations. Why? They dared to allow someone on their campus to speak out about some of the LGBT community activities. Of course Pride prides itself for being all inclusive, apolitical as long as that all inclusiveness, apoliticalness notions are not critical of them.

We do not need Pride. They need us.

It is coming to this. LA coffee chain bans NBA star Kaw-hi from all of its locations after the star failed to sign with the LA Lakers…. Geesh, your coffee ain’t that good.

By the way, how do you pronounce that name anyway. Kaw….Hi….. as in…. Raw….Hide…… Don’t know, just saying, that’s all.

Quebec now joins Ontario, Alberta, New Brunswick, Saskatchewan and Manitoba in their fight against the Federal government’s carbon tax.

I wonder what Quebec wants from the Feds now.

A hat that embodies pure evil? What you may ask? A hat emblazoned with “Make America Great Again.” read Don Cherry above.

Pure evil……………………..

All beer drinkers out there will understand this.

And don’t worry, be happy. To all you guys out there. Have a beer.

Have a great day.

 

SJ…………………………….Out

Happy Monday

Follow da money!

Canadian Basketball fan upset after hearing both Kawhi and Danny Green are leaving the Raptors for California. Even Trudeau gets in on the act, upset as he is and us, for not going with them.

From the Captain Obvious file: How often should you eat to lose weight?……..Never!

Hockey Night in Canada’s  Don Cherry states that he will be back next season. Grammarly is ecstatic on hearing the news. If there ever was an argument for a “best before” date this was it.

And this is news why? Cher, Michael Douglas and other stars are selling their homes. Sooo. I can’t afford them.

Profound statement of the week! A UFC fighter, undefeated after 19 bouts, loses after getting knocked out in 5 seconds by his opponent. Commenting after regaining consciousness: “Well that sucked.” It is a wonder he could say anything at all. Follow da money! is all I can say.

a group of people wearing costumes: TOPSHOT - USA's players celebrate with the trophy after the France 2019 Womens World Cup football final match between USA and the Netherlands, on July 7, 2019, at the Lyon Stadium in Lyon, central-eastern France. (Photo by FRANCK FIFE / AFP) (Photo credit should read FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images)

Congrats to the US women’s soccer team for their win over the Netherlands. But yet again CNN sees this as an opportunity to slam Trump.

“You shouldn’t sleep with a fan on.” So says this ad which also states that you shouldn’t even attempt to by one during a heat wave. Grammarly was also ecstatic on reading this ad.

The argument against meat and for “plant based foods.” You can think of it as our great vegetarian blind spot, and it has left us defenseless to the brassiest escalation yet in the cause against meat, the remarkable assertion that eating meat is bad for the planet. Talk about overplaying your hand. Where eating meat was once bad for a person’s arteries, now we are to do so with the shame that it’s bad for all of life upon Earth. Everything is now bad for you, so says the UN in its fight against climate change and for the establishment of one world government led by, of course, the UN.

“But we’re living longer too. Bad for the planet says the UN. Everyone should be dead by 70. To save the planet and to fight climate change. So says the WHO. Who??

The Drug addiction poverty, homeless business is alive and well and doing fine thank you very much. “Vancouver has universal health care, abundant addiction treatment and harm reduction, supervised drug consumption rooms, and a clinic that provides heroin. It also has the same opioid overdose death rate as West Virginia.”

Oxy moron of the week. Diversity professor defends the notion of not dating white guys.

Only in Canada you say: Getting lobsters stoned before cooking. You cannot boil them alive anymore – a practice that has been going on for centuries. But Cannabis know betters. No, no, no. Get them stoned first then beat the crap out of them with a hammer. That will do it says a representative for Cannabis’ food guide.

Another from the Captain Obvious file: Why do so many young people suddenly die? Their hearts stop perhaps? Just saying!

Oh this is cute: “To end fatphobia, we need to dismantle Western civilization,” says Philly therapist Sonalee Rashatwar, after devouring a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich. “No….as I stated above, just stop eating.”

And people are an industry’s most valued ass-et. “Deutsche Bank slashed 18,000 jobs in a restructuring move.”

Kinda slow news day.

This came out in 1971. A great album.

Have a great day.

 

SJ………………….Out

It’s Alive, It’s Alive

I don’t know about you but I am getting sick and tired with all of this climate scare tactics and fear mongering. It seems that every second article in the newspaper today is about climate change of some sorts.

Climate change may be happening but we are not the cause of it. It is a natural phenomenon. Last week, while I was in Toronto, which is situated on the north shore of Lake Ontario, everyone was talking about the water levels of the Great Lakes. The levels are very high such that the Toronto Islands are flooding. Climate change in action. Yet a couple of years ago the levels were very low.

Heck, I can remember during my youth when water levels were up and down on Georgian Bay, which is part of Lake Huron. It happens and is highly dependent on the winter’s snow pack, spring melting and spring rains. It is not caused by climate change. However, our government, in their quest to scare the shit out of us, especially our gullible youth, and to convince us that climate change is real and therefore a threat to our very existence such that they can tax us to death. A new and very lucrative money stream. And our politicians of every stripe and colour are in on the scam.

Consider this: in 1989 the UN told the world that the Maldives would be underwater by 01 January 2019. Thirty years later?

See the source imageThe Maldives today.

The UN also stated in 1989 that the world had 30 years to address climate change or there would not be a world today. Hasn’t happened.

But now they tell us that if we do not act NOW, that the world will end in 2030. I think Al Gore and other non scientific mindless minds have stated such for 2011, 2013, 2019 and now 2030. And people believe this shyte. I mean how can anybody believe in whatever Alexandra Occasionally Cortez but Generally Whacko says. This from a US congress  woman who believes that the world is flat – and she has a huge cohort that agrees with her. Last time I checked:

See the source image              Do you notice the curvature on the horizon?

Oh, I know, photo shopped, fake…..Geesh.

Coming from a lab near you.

See the source imageIt’s alive, it’s alive

Beyond meat > is beyond belief. Meat grown in a lab. Are you kidding me?

Super processed food yet the young people are devouring this stuff. Those same young people who shun processed foods. Sorry to tell you all but this is super-processed “food”. Same with plant based burgers.

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Mmm. Yummy Igor. Try this new cheeseburger. It is to die for.

Oxymoron of the week? Plant based sausages. Outlets should be sued for false advertising.

Geesh. I’ll take KD any day. I mean if you are going to eat plastic this is the way to go.

See the source imageI hear that in Canada, plastic straws are going to be replaced by this stuff.

Eat drink and be scary.

Canadian electioneering has begun for our elections in October – at the Federal level. Polls predicting Trudeau will probably win but with a coalition of the left – Greens and NDP (Dippers):

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                             Goosed

Scary thought. We are screwed. See, even she agrees with me:

See the source imageThe NDP’s new Chief of Staff

Thar she blows: Climate change in action

See the source imageMauna Loa erection…er eruption. World’s largest Volcano – about to erupt!

Just wait for the UN to somehow make this a climate change action statement: “Give us your money and we will ensure volcanos never happen again.” Unfortunately many people will believe this shyte. Even Greta: “I see CO2” Thumbs Up will get in on the act. Perhaps the Pope as well.

This just in:

Geoff Molson, Marc Bergevin standing next to a person in a suit and tie: Canadiens owner/president Geoff Molson (left) and general manager Marc Bergevin take a break during second day of NHL Draft in Vancouver on June 22, 2019.

The Carolina Hurricanes believe that the Canadiens and GM Marc Bergevin got sold a bill of goods by Gerry Johannson, the agent for centre Sebastian Aho.

Guys, I really think that the name “Aho,” pronounced Ay-Ho, short in the hockey lexicon for Ass-Hole may have been a red flag here, don’t ya think

Get outside and don’t believe the shyte or the hype. Then you will see that every day is the best day ever.

Never fear. If it gets really bad this guy will come and rescue us from the United Nations. My hero

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According to the United Nations, we no longer live in the Cenozonic Era and the Holocene Epoch but live in the Armageddon Era and Eeee Gads Epoch.

Thanks for you thoughts on my brother Kevin.

SJ…………………………Out.