Category: A Very Short Story

From the Short Story Vault

Calls of Nature

From the obviousness file

Rapper, er sorry, Clapper denounces Trump’s Arizona speech as scary. No it’s scary having a name like that.

Crapper made his obvious comments on CNN, which will be covered by the Washington Post and New York Times, all known supporters of Trump! Crapper got really excited by Trump’s racist comments “about the need for unity and inclusion.” Yup, downright scary. No this is scary:

Image result for antifa riots“What a riot man!” Antifa coming to a neighbourhood near you.

When kids are left alone with dad! Love it! (c/o twitter / facebook)

Slide 16 of 30: When a love of motorcycles is passed from father to son. Success of future MARS mission dependant upon astronauts urine and CO2 emissions. I thought CO2 was poison man. Say what? And shit for fertilizer! They are going to call the first MARS expedition “The Call of Nature.”

Beach goers in a state of fearful frenzy as shark devours a seal. “Where is PETA when you need them?” One vegan on the beach was heard to say. “Gawd this can’t be right.” In response another was heard to say that “this is nothing but the call of nature.”

Cannabis not really effective against pain and PTSD, new study shows. They tried to treat patients suffering from chronic pain and PTSD with cannabis but couldn’t wake them up to determine efficacy. “Well, if you want to sleep all day then I guess it is okay for that,” a prominent researcher, Dr. Walter White, who wanted to remain anonymous, stated.

An Asian ESPN Sports announcer by the name of Robert Lee pulled from doing the play by play at a UVA football game. On another note an Asian entrepreneur who owns a string of Chinese restaurants was forced to change the name. “Holy Chow” was considered too religious for some patrons to stomach. He changed the name to “Holy Cow.” It is expected that PETA may have something to say about this new branding scheme.

CNN calls Trump demented, sexist, racist, a Nazi – “is there anything else in the lexicon that we can use?” Wolf was heard to say. I’ll let their own words speak for itself.

Trump sending troops to Afghanistan. New mission and aim. Destroy ISIS and terrorists. Kill them! No more pussy footing around. A prominent Canadian who wants to remain anonymous, wearing his new black and white socks, became outraged when he heard this new directive coming from the White House.

Some of my latest least favourites:

Least favourite colour……………………… Green

Least favourite word………………………… Transparency

Least favourite food…………………………..Tofu

Least favourite song…………………………..Imagine.

Least favourite team…………………………. Leafs

Least favourite French expression…………..Je suis (insert whatever here)

 

That’s about it for today.

 

SJ…………out.

From the Files

From a previous post:

 

Hey Jay, what’s a shakin today?”

“Well let’s see George. Quite a bit actually

From the weird and wonderful Climate Change file:

“California is going to ban cow flatulence George”

“What’s flatulence Jay?”

“Cow farts George. They are going to ban cow farts in California to save the planet!”

“No kidding. You’re ribbing me Jay!”

“I can’t make this stuff up George. Next they’ll ban people from taking more than one breath a minute in order to reduce CO2 emissions. When that occurs you’ll be seeing a whole lot of people walking around LA with puffed out cheeks – both above and below the waist! Holding their breaths and holding their asses. It’s insane George but I’m really happy about this because I won’t have to listen to these Moonbats anymore. Especially the pompous ones lecturing me on how to live as they accept their awards then fly off to their holiday retreats.”

“Wow, something sure stinks in the state of California Jay”

“That’s Denmark George. Something smells in the state of Denmark.”

“It does? They banned cow farts there too Jay?”

“But the Moonbats in California defend their actions by saying that people laughed at Noah too. With his ark George”

“Can you imagine the stink on that ark George? But then again the methane probably kept the water levels at bay by keeping that ark afloat and warm. And when the flooding was almost over somebody, Noah perhaps, lit a torch when he went down into the hold on that ark to see and hear and smell what the fuss, racket and stink was all about. Then, like the burning bush, KA-BOOM, that ark went up in an catechismic explosion.”

“Holy shit” Noah was heard to say, but in deference to his Lord, the supreme being.

“The Old Testament’s proverbial shit hit the fan-tail of that ark George.”

“Is that where the proverb Ship.High.In.Transit. comes from Jay? Noah’s ark?”

“Perhaps George but I don’t know for certain. Could be. But it’s probably why no one has found Noah’s ark today. The methane explosion ripped that ark into a gazillion pieces, spread all across the ancient world I would think.”

“Oh yeah, and forced childbirth is the single biggest cause of global warming. I kid you not George. Must be in the grunts and the groans and the flatulence from where those labour intensive green house gas emissions come from”

“Women are giving birth in a greenhouse these days Jay?”

“Arctic melting will cause severe flooding on the shores of Greenland George!”

“Eureka, George”

“You don’t smell all that well yourself Jay.”

No, no, no George. Eureka! Eureka. You know -as in Archimedes and his Principle, Eureka. That an object will displace its own weight in water. Arctic ice, it floats, but when it melts the water level in the Arctic Ocean remains the same.  But the Moonbats out there will not believe this law of physics and will state categorically and adamantly that Archimedes and his principle are coming to you from Big Oil.

“Oh and one more thing George. Global Warming will wipe out breakfast cereals by 2070”

“That’s okay cause I like my cereal cold anyway Jay, so I’m not worried.”

“That’s the least of your worries George”

“Man, we are doomed!”

From the Craziness File:

“Thief allegedly steals up to $179,000 in gold coins and gold pucks from the Canadian mint by stuffing them, or so the mint suggests, up his ass, then walking out. Probably got the idea and motivation from the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”

“Wow. And the mint claims that they have a suspect and that as far as they are concerned the puck stopped there! Holy anal retentiveness George. Holy shit! That guy’s got balls and one helleva rectum, if he is found guilty of course, which he hasn’t.”

“That’s one helluva job Jay, one helluva job bringing that in!”

From the Oxymoronic File:

“Safe Injection Sites are springing up everywhere across Canada George.”

“Ban flatulence in cows, and in humans too, as it really is Natural Gas, isn’t it Jay?!”

“You bet George”

“200 protesters recently protesting the latest LNG proposition in B.C. then hopping into their SUVs, pickup trucks and cars for the drive home.”

“Protesters protesting a proposed new cell tower in the local countryside all the while talking on their cell phones to get more protesters out to protest the new cell tower’s construction.”

_____________

“Bit of trivia George. How many falls are there in Klamath Falls Oregon?How many huh, huh?”

“Dunno Jay. How many?” One set of falls perhaps?”

“Nope, none George. There are no falls in Klamath Falls Oregon.”

Quote of the week

“Militancy is great – for pacifists”

 

“Until next time George”

Shakey Jay…..

Diversity is Our Strength

Passchendaele: Mud and Blood

May – Nov 1917

Names of Canadian Passchendaele dead are inscribed on the marble walls of the Vimy Ridge Memorial near Arras, France.

 

Sorry. missed yesterday. Away in Vancouver all day.

 

Scaramucci, Skeletor’s brother and Presidents Trump’s former press secretary, in what will probably be seen as the shortest tenure achieved as a Press Secretary in US History, says that there are those out there who are out to get Trump ousted!  Noooo Really? No wonder this guy was………………..FIRED.  “He Man” told him to scurry back to Castle Greyskull.

Everything is being politicized these days. Even the CFL. Last Sunday while watching the BC Lions and Sask Roughrider’s game, I noticed that all of the Lion’s coaching staff were wearing: “Diversity is our Strength” Tee shirts. They then went on to lose 38 – 8. They got trounced by Sask. Be very careful of the message you want to convey here guys. Just play football and leave the messaging to BLM, or Antifa, or Pride or any of those other (insert name here).

Another useful tidbit from the obviousness file: Ellen Degenerate is gay!!! “Really.” Someone was heard to say. “Yeah, well Marvin’s Gay too,” another bragged. That’s Marvin Gaye you idiot. He was a singer, now deceased, and he was not gay.

 

Junior Darwin awards given out to nine year old children for trying to drink boiling water. Don’t ever try this at home. Just trying to boil down the gene pool someone was heard to say.

Apparently this child was the son or the daughter of a woman in Texas who wasn’t happy about a museum’s plan to hold a workshop or learning event during the upcoming solar eclipse. She called to ask the museum if they could move the eclipse to another day such that her own children could attend. Apparently her name was Darwinian (KISS FM Bellingham).

Another candidate for this award was a woman who drove her car with a propane BBQ, letting the gas off in the back seat. Her passenger, another woman of dubious but of a similar background to her then lit a cigarette. When the paramedics arrived all she could say was that she always wanted a convertible.

 

Jimmy Fallon criticizes Trump……. Who is Jimmy Fallon??

 

This just in: Why Duchess Kate isn’t allowed to sign autographs!  “She can’t write”… a palace official was overheard to say.

Jamie Oliver burnt his penis in a naked cooking demonstration…..”Hot Dogs anyone?? Hmmmmm??”

CRTC to comment on Canadian Content decisions……still waiting…..still waiting…..still waiting…..still waiting.

From the  I don’t give two flying F%$ks file: …..Oprah won’t marry Steadman Graham.

That’s all folks.

 

News that just can’t be made up.

 

SJ……Out.

Is That Zedd or Zee?

Passchendaele: Mud and Blood

May – Nov 1917

Image result for passchendaele

Lest We Forget

 

Premier Wall retires from Provincial politics……Damn. Only premier left in this country with some balls to stand up to the Regressive Lefts. Premier Wynne, who has no balls…last time I checked…is jubilant.

“We can finally implement our agenda to control every aspect of Canadian lives…” someone was heard to say.

 

NHL threatens to cancel its 2018 draft in Dallas if city continues with its One Sex… One bathroom policy. This coming from an all male dominated oligarchical organization. No women allowed into this all boys club. They only have one bathroom in their boardrooms, for all the dicks that are part of this organization.

NHL? Stick it to sports and stay out of politics.

Why do we have to politicize everything these days?….Geesh.

 

NK / US Crisis

Image result for N Korean Officers military hats  This pic cracks me up.                Nah, Trump has nothing to worry about here.

Give your heads a shake, for crikey sakes. Ahhh, maybe not.

 

Bestiary Images:  Bestiary texts offer animal-lore as a source of allegorical lessons for moral spiritual guidance. The earliest bestiary manuscripts date to the beginning of the 12th century. Or…the everything you wanted to know about bestiary manual.

Interestingly, at the same time sheep proliferated throughout Europe, particularly in the UK. Wellies would not make their debut until centuries later. Then PETA.

 

Whales being threatened by shipping. In response to a whale watching collision with a humpback whale off Victoria BC recently, Ottawa has taken dramatic action to ensure the mammal rights of the right whale, or is that the left whale? Ships will now be banned from transiting the Juan de Fuca Strait. Liz May is beside herself with glee.

“Yeah, but what about banning or regulating those whale watching boats…” someone with common sense asked of the government.

“This is really an issue of the left whale not knowing what the right whale is doing.” said a government spokesperson in response. “We will immediately set up a mammal rights commission on both coasts. We’ll have a whale of a time here guys and gals.

 

Government leaders in BC state that if Kinder Morgan pipeline tries to go through you will see protests out here the likes you have never seen….great. Just what we need. More instability.

BC Green leader states that: “In the B.C. Green caucus’s view (3 people), the National Energy Board process that led to this project’s approval was profoundly flawed,” Weaver said in a statement. He / they should know…right? “Numerous questions remain unanswered or were simply dismissed (Victoria Times Colonist).

Of course it was flawed. It ruled against the Green Party’s wishes. No fossil fuels period. Nada, niet whatsoever. Fossils are so, so 20th Century, don’t you know? Just like you Mr Weaver.

Hear are our Provincial leaders who castigate national energy strategic initiatives to further their own ideological agendas. To hell with the rest of Canada, oh except for Canada Day that is: “Don’t we live in such a grand diversified country where compromise is our strength in depth!”

Canada Day over now? Yes…oh those federal bastards and no good idiots east of the Rockies…F$#k them.

I still cannot get over the fact that a party that won only 3 seats out of 87 wields so much power in this province.

I just hope none of these gonads comes down with a life threatening health problem. If they do they will be thankful for the petroleum industry.

Canada is becoming a third world basket case!

 

Canadian diplomat suffered hearing loss while in Cuba. Blames it all on Climate Change and the Salsa!

 

This just in: eight things your farts can reveal about your health….yeah, I know of only one and….it stinks, now get off the couch!

 

20M jobs on the way if Canada adopts green agenda. Of course, but the narrative left one word out of their announcement. It should have read: 20M jobs on the way…out!

 

From the “Who gives a Fu$k factor:” Zedd on dating Selena Gomez. Or is that Zee.

 

Have a great weekend.

 

SJ……out.

 

Geesh!

Passchendaele: Blood and Mud

May – Nov 1917A Field of Mud225,000 Casualties

China issuing green bonds to pay for new coal fired power plants! They were going to use black bonds but that was considered racist. You can’t have Black Bondsmen doing this sort of thing. Harkens back to slavery or to the notion that only blacks do the time for the crime. See Moonbat State. So they are using Green Bondsmen instead…..Geesh!

 

Argos lose to Calgary. BMO place attendance a disgrace to the CFL. Time to disband the Argos Toronto, although I hate to say it. Tobin Rote would be rolling in his grave. Ever since Chris Jones won a Grey Cup as defensive coordinator with Toronto in 2012 he has been on a downhill slide due to his own high sense of importance. Wins with Edmonton then bails to Sask for more money and total control; fires key and very popular players and goes on a two year losing streak. As “He Man” would say; Jones….your fired.

 

Moobattery: seems that California, the Moonbat State is happy that the middle class is leaving the state by the thousands. “We are very happy about that” said a Moonbat. “This will make room for more immigrants.” Oh, you mean those people, the majority of which do not contribute to the economy…just take, take and take. “Well yes, we’ll just tax the snot out of the high tech sector and Holly’s Woody in the morning folk.” No problem…Geesh!

 

From the what would you rather have: a Prius or a Shelby? Comes this. Government’s war on cars. Mandate cars that drive themselves so that gov’t can take control of how you use them, where you go etc. There will be cut outs, governors implemented such that you will not be able to drive your car in certain instances, or fornicate in the back seat.

Think I’m kidding? It is already occurring in golf carts. The other day while golfing and using a cart, the cart suddenly stopped when I attempted to cross fescue to look for my ball. It wouldn’t move until I reversed and got back on to the fairway. Progress? For a progressive, Orwellian utopian society dude perhaps but not for me. I want my Cobra back!

And taking public transport is like inviting 50 n’er do wells into your living room.

 

As a white dude I am now classified as a minority in my own country, especially my home town of Toronto. I am now going to put myself down as a visible minority from now on. That is the real white privilege in this country? You bet.

Like taking coals to Newcastle, Marx and Engels statues coming to a Manchester near you England? Irony in its truest from. Jokes on English democratic institutions.

Be careful what you wish for lefties. I can hear………V..e..n..e..z..u..e..l..a.. calling.

Why are lefties so darned righteous anyway? The other day on Facebook I made a political comment of my own making based on an opinion piece I read. I was attacked for it. Some guy wanted to know my source. So I told him and was immediately chastised for daring to quote from a conservative, and therefore, extremely right wing rag. In his eyes I became (insert whatever here) phobian. Did I criticize him? No. Did I make fun of his literary prowess or the news sources that he favoured or read? No. No comeback or debate of the issue I raised whatsoever. Just an attack on me like a rabid dog….Intolerance is the mark of a real lefty…..I’m ex military so I tend to stay away from the left, right rhetoric, except while marching of course….I like to make light of things…from all sides of the political spectrum……..Geesh.

 

SJ….Out……Have a great weekend